MY BOOTY, MY DIGNITY

Women have always found ways to make themselves appear more attractive each century, please note that I did not use the word "beautiful" because there is a vast difference between these two adjectives. They can spend all they have to ensure that they are the cynosure of all eyes as soon as they walk into a room and will almost spit on any other person that draws more attention. Even in the fairy tale world, Snow White's step-mother in her old age wanted to compete with the young, nubile and beautiful Snow White at all cost.

Over the years, scientists, Doctors and the pharmaceutical world have taken advantage of this obsession with perfect appearances for which most women yearn. These Doctors would coddle women and enable them in their quest to remain ageless, to defy gravity and battle nature.

We now live in a world where people who are not satisfied with the way they look can quickly find a solution to it. There are so many procedures as there are different body parts and people continue to strive to do God's work on earth but we all know God's works never have repercussions. His works are perfect already, which means that every single person being God's handwork, is already a vision of perfection.

The various procedure human beings have resorted to now include breast augmentation, buttocks injection, botox injection, facelift, chin lift, jaw adjustment, hair transplant, skin lightening injection and endless body parts treatment. The plastic surgeons in the world are yet to find something to do about height enhancement as Lil'Kim, the American Rapper would have done this process already but we hear the Asians are working on this particular procedure. Fingers crossed.

Our celebrities are now famous for having had different kinds of surgical procedures on their body parts and as most of us live vicariously through them, we begin to feel it may be alright to change what is meant to be. Some enhanced body parts of some celebrities are even more popular than the celebrities themselves e.g Pamela Anderson.

What is really appalling about these plastic surgeries and body enhancements is that sometimes, it only makes matters worse. There would be a perfect human being who went under the knife and came out looking like a walking dead who has been programmed to act human. Some people cannot even smile or blink after these procedures because they have extended the limit of stretching their skin and all these will not cease as plastic surgeons will continue to look for gullible lab rats.

The plastic surgery and body enhancement business is now very lucrative that people who are not certified to inject or administer treatment are going underground to set up their own business and make a livelihood. There was a woman in the U.S who was arrested after injecting other women with a particular substance that was later found out to be cement.

Another occurrence was about a woman who lost her limb in the process of enhancing her backside. She had been teased all her life that she had a flat booty and she decided to get her bumbum magnified. Some people can be very hurt when you tease them about their body parts, calling them butter face, planet nose, flat ass, flat face or using some of their flawed features to make them feel bad. This particular woman actually saved up money, as in, she did not spend her money lavishly but amassed it for a period of time just to get the procedure done. If only she had known that would be the end of  living the already normal life she was blessed with. She began to feel intense pain in her butt after she was injected by a so-called doctor and whatever chemical  that was injected into her backside began to solidify and darken her skin. It was too late by the time she decided to do something about it and they had to amputate her legs to save her life.

All men can stare for only 2 seconds or they get pink eye!

This woman who lost her legs lived to narrate her ordeal and maybe convince others who want to get stupid to change their minds but some ladies have not been this "lucky". There was a Nigerian chick who resided in the UK and whose life ambition was to become a video vixen. Can you believe that? A video vixen who would lick her mouth, shake her butt, jiggle her boobs, touch herself and get smooched in music video for the world to see. Guess who her idol or mentor was? Nicki Minaj. So she decided to get a look alike butt exactly like Nicki's. Long story cut short, she is no longer among the living today.

Another thing about women is that we feel we can go ahead with a procedure once we see others that have undergone the treatments. Truth is, what works for Tiffany may not work for Rukayat. The woman who had her legs amputated was unfortunate, so many ladies in the United States and all over the world have had butt injections, some even more than once. Some people even have addictions to butt injections. Some people who heard about her sad situation exclaimed that she should have gone to Brazil for the procedure like it makes any difference.

Talking about women all over the world who now have bigger butts th an their brains, this reminds me of Kanye West and 2Chainz video "Birthday Song". The song was a celebration of women with enhanced body parts and wanting a booty call as a birthday gift, so naturally the music video featured some seriously endowed women. One annoying thing about America is that a man can just sit in his room and order for a particular kind of woman he wishes to shag, like he is ordering an exotic dish. You can find women of different races, heights, sizes and other dimensions in that country. Anyways, there was a particular girl in the Birthday Song video that was very tiny but it was obvious she had patronized the infamous butt injection and one cannot help but notice how big her head was, how small her waist was and her butt appeared to drop to her toes. This was apparently because her body frame was not meant for such a burden!

Some people have argued that plastic surgery is not so unconventional as it may be necessary in certain situations. Yeah, for those who have been deformed by the atrocities of the world, for them to live a normal life not a vain one. Women argue to do liposuction after birth, Mariah Carey was rumored to have done liposuction immediately after her delivery of twins which resulted in her not being immediately released from the hospital. So Sure this was why we saw her revealing her mid-riff in the music video "Triumphant" with Rick Ross and Meek Mill. Imagine other women in Nigeria who have just given birth and happen to watch the superstar's music video, will they not begin to save money for liposuction too?


We are all tempted everyday by what we see, what we hear and the promises of mischievous science but you know what? We cannot wait to see Nicki Minaj at 73 years old. This butt thing is still novel. We have not seen an elderly woman who had her butt titanicized! Not yet For we would like to see how she climbs the staircase with a trailer on her back. Every single time, Nicki Minaj turns her back on television, she raises the blood pressure of some red-blooded men and gives some women major bouts of depression.

We should all accept the fact that looks do not last forever, we are all meant to sag, fade or wither someday. Yes, it is so difficult to accept this but it is just the natural order of life.

A NEW DAY

Hello everyone, I have not had the time to write on this blog for over 9 months. If I were pregnant at the time I started to publish on this blog, I would have put to bed by now, lol. So many things have happened since the last time I put down a piece here but I thank God for the beautiful gift of life.

I want to return to my love of writing down my thoughts, there was a time writing was part and parcel of my being but alas! the pursuit of money in the achievement of a more comfortable life have almost deprived me of my creativity. Another story for another day.

I have to make a commitment to publish at least one piece in one day, may God Almighty help me. It's not easy, especially as I'm not making #600,000 per month on a blog like my blog mentor, Linda Ikeji.



I and the beautiful blogger, Linda Ikeji

Another reason I wanted to start writing again is because I wish to make a cogent point. Although a blog is supposed to be a platform for a writer's opinion, it should not be used to disparage people or to pass judgment on others. It only shows how low one can stoop when you begin to use this medium to hurt people especially those you call your friends. This is why I would use this blog to impact people's lives positively. How I would do this, I have absolutely no idea but I've never backed away from a challenge.

Anyways, this urge to write on my blog was very sudden, quite unexpected and I'm actually at work with so many assignments stacked on me.

I want to make a little comment about the Aluu4. I remember the day I saw the savage video of the merciless killing of such young lives. I was in such a good mood when I was shown the clip and i recall that i began to seethe and vibrate in anger at the brutal end of these young boys all because of some misunderstanding. An image from the video that proved indelible was the part where one of the boys was lying helpless on the ground and a man struck him hard on the nose with a log, then the boy stopped moving after so much blood gushed out of his nose. Even real thieves do not die this kind of death. Four promising lives snuffed out like festive chicken. So sad. May their souls find the peace they could not find on earth in the land beyond.

I have so many things to say but a little part in my mind keeps reminding me that I should be sending out proposals by this time so I can meet this year's target and I keep reminding myself that I have worked hard enough, I cannot die now.

I also remember the death of Cynthia, the young lady who was drugged, raped then murdered by a group of men. Here's another unpleasant news that shook me, most especially because of the means through which she met her murderers, Facebook. When I heard this news, I remembered I had over 4,000 friends on Facebook, some of them I've met, some I ran into by accident, some I have become close friends with, some I have kept in touch with over the years.

I began to wonder if all these my friends were normal people, I recalled that some of them were so persistent about meeting me and I would usually turn them down because naturally, I felt they wanted something I couldn't give to them and the bi-sexual ladies are included here. One thing my mother taught me was that in life, if you seek to get things that are free, things you have not worked for, you may meet your untimely death or end because people even wish to snatch those things you have worked hard for in life. If this young lady had not been chuffed to get on that free airplane ride, she would still be strutting her stuff today. But then, we ladies love free stuffs, myself included, I mean, who doesn't? This, however, is no reason for those guys to descend into beasts and take advantage of the beautiful lady. May her soul rest in peace.

Okay! Enough of the sad news, good things have also happened so far. But why do I strain to remember them? Someone once said bad news travel fast, I think, they also linger more. If any good news comes to mind about the environment, the nation, your lives, this should be the comment for this newly-written post.

May God bless us and keep us all! Amen.

WHEN YOU HATE YOURSELF

If you were asked if the person in the picture above is a man or a woman, what would your answer be? Well, if your answer was man, then you are wrong. When God was creating this person, he made this person someone who would be able to get pregnant, would have children, would breastfeed them and raise them as a family. This person was born a beautiful woman.

This is Chaz Bono, the daughter of Cher, the singer of the hit single "Do You Believe?". Cher was in the 2011 movie 'Burlesque' with Christina Aguilera in case you do not know who she is, she played the owner of the club where they all performed in the movie.

Chaz Bono was born Chastity Bono in 1969 and after coming out to her mother that she was a lesbian, she later decided as an adult to transform herself into a man because of reasons only best known to her. Chaz underwent surgery to become a man, her breasts were cut off, she was given hormone shots to grow beards and she changed her name legally and socially from Chastity to Chaz but she did not alter her female organs. Why will you enter a world as one gender and leave it as another gender?

There are so many people i know out there who hate themselves because of the way they look, but everybody looks the way they do for a good reason. People complain everytime "i wish i was taller", "if only my nose was not so flat", if only i had straight legs",  "i wish i had asian eyes", "i would love myself more if my ass was bigger"!

God's creations are never imperfect, he knows what he is doing everytime he is molding a human being but because the humans come to the world where everything has been altered, we do not see ourselves as visions of perfection anymore. The day you become taller could be the day you die, if you had a long nose maybe you will have asthma too, if your ass were bigger maybe it would affect your leg, we do not ever think of these things.

I remember when i was much younger, i would pray to God to make me taller like most of my friends, i realised later that i wanted this quality so i could feel superior. It wasnt until i focused more on my other qualities that i eventually stood out without any effort whatsoever.

Someone once told me that if I were taller, I would be vain, inconsiderate, dumb, cruel, reckless, rude, albeit successful but i would hate myself even when others envied me. It was later I found out myself that if I was taller, I would have become a model because I like dressing up, all those awards I received from various institutions for academic distinction would never have come my way. I would never have known for a model, beauty fades but as an intelligent person, your knowledge is forever nourished as knowledge never dies.

There are so many people that are far away from being the person they were created to be because of their focus on the wrong qualities. I know so many fair-skinned ladies who are high class prostitutes because they chose to revel in the attention of men rather than swot for exams to bag a respectable job in the future. They think because men are usually attracted to fair-skinned ladies, it is their excuse to live life as goddesses, doing what they like and getting everything they want. I know so many beautiful girls who didnt do the needful things at the right time, claiming models, class, flashy lifestyles while they youthfulness eroded away.

When you love yourself, you would find out those qualities about yourself that makes you satisfied with everything you have, those qualities will make you content because it is when you accommodate envy in your life that you begin to hate yourself. No matter how jealous or envious you are of someone else, you will never have what they have if it is not meant to be, you will only end up hating yourself for never getting them.

Chaz Bono became a man because she obviously didnt like herself very much. She was a lesbian who had a girlfriend and supposedly she was the masculine presence in the relationship. It is important to note that some few weeks after the transgender operation, Chaz's girlfriend of many years broke up with her/him, excuse me. When you alter one thing about yourself, it could be that single thing you altered that endears everybody to you, that single thing that brings you favour among people, that single thing that sets you apart from the crowd and makes you a special being.

Do not allow common human flaws such as jealousy, envy, hatred, covetousness, greed and other unnecessary emotions be the definition of your life and your person. If you hate anything about yourself, begin to love that one single thing about you, turn your curse into a blessing. Concentrate on what people admire about you and more importantly that which you admire about yourself the most.

As Chastity Bono --- A beautiful Woman

DATING THE MARRIED

Any lady who is involved with a married man is always seen as an indecent person, a lowlife, a home wrecker and other unpleasant brands. I always ask who the real culprit is in the liaison, is it the single ladies who enjoy the attention and accompanying monetary gifts from the promiscuous men or is it the married men who are going through middle-age crisis?. In the course of my work, I have had numerous unsavoury and definitely forgettable experiences with older men who have been married for decades and more but yet still look for something extra outside of their matrimonial homes. Sometimes, it can be very infuriating because some of them are not exactly attractive because of their old age and a misspent lifestyle as they confuse their present days with their heydays.

There was once a time when it was generally seen that only men are prone to cheat on their wives but these days, wives do cheat on their husbands as well. It seems that as we evolve as human beings, our moral fibre becomes weakened as we continue to imbibe degenerate side of the western culture. Now, married people go into the institution of marriage only to spend a few months wishing they are single again, mostly for selfish reasons. To sate these selfish wants, married people begin to look for single people, thereby undermining the sanctity of marriage. From my perspective, i can only write from my experiences with men, the day a married woman walks up to me and says or do anything amoral, this blog will give you all the lurid details.

There are different kinds of "single-married" relationships. There are some men who act as if they are still very young even though they have already started a family. They act like they are your actual boyfriends and woe betides you when they see you with your real boyfriend or any of your guy friends. This is because most people don’t understand the ideals surrounding a perfect marital life and most young men dabble into marriages prematurely, then after some few months, they become bored. Most men go into marriages because they feel it is a natural obligation or their parents coerced them into finding a wife, or their friends are already married so they feel the impending pressure to join the club. They find someone they think they can spend forever with, they do not wait to find out if they are truly compatible or just convenient but they go ahead with a wedding and keep the lady at home to bear the title of Mrs. Wife. Some few months later, they are already out searching again, this time not for a life partner but for someone who would give them ephemeral pleasure thereby causing void in their matrimonial homes.

I hobnob with a lot of men and women, as I happen to be a good listener, I have learnt of the cruel and unusual dynamics of various relationships. Young ladies readily bask in the euphoria of accepting material gifts that comes along with dating a married man and the married men also know that this is a serious requirement to get the ladies’ attention. Some ladies even dump their current boyfriends to focus on the well-to-do married men, which is a grave mistake because with the boyfriend, there is a likely hope for the future but a married man will never leave his wife for miserable needy young girls. When the married men are still around, boyfriends who earn merger salaries are taken for granted and no matter what they do, they are always considered a poor pest at the time.

Some ladies who are in relationships with married men often fall in love with them and this is outrightly stupid because no matter what sweet nonsense the man tells you, he will never leave his wife for silly you, he will always consider you as second-best, he is only with you for the sex and when he is done with you, he will toss you like a used tampon. Some single-married relationships can be awesome because as sad as it is, you may find your soul mate in a man who already has a family, oh yes, it happens. He will understand you in a way nobody else does, cater to you in such wholesome ways, give you overwhelming attention and other things, that you become so used to his presence in your life. Despite this fact, I am yet to be a witness to a successful relationship that came about from a man cheating on his wife, leaving his wife and getting married again to the single lady he's involved with. The saying that “what goes around comes around” is the gospel truth. If that married man eventually leaves his wife for you, when you think you are happily married to him, he will find another younger woman, prettier and smarter than you because when that man chose you over his wife, it only shows that he's a greedy bastard. In case you have not noticed, there are so many ladies in different shapes, colours, sizes, heights and every other dimension, they are just there for the men to take their pick as long as there is mutual benefit.

All my girlfriends have been involved with married men, i do not know a single woman who has not been bugged by a married man either in her neighbourhood, at work, or on the road. It’s like there is no escaping it as this men are everywhere. Even those ladies who say they cannot be in any kind of romance with married men still accommodate their advances once in a while just to get the monetary gains that present themselves. When my girlfriends come to stay with me, we take a stroll in the night and count how many cars that stops by the curbside for us asking if they can drop us anywhere. We do this for the fun of it and trust me it is quite enlightening especially when we have nothing to do, these men are like scavengers. The first thing we notice when their cars stop is the glint of their wedding rings, their paunch and other tell-tale signs. Some wise married men have resolved to discard their rings so that their operations can go on smoothly.

I have also come in cognisance of the case of married women who find themselves in romantic liaisons with married men. Now, this is the lowest of the lowest stooping order because the adultery is two ways and so demoralising. How do these people get home to face their spouses after sexual sessions in the motel or hotel? What about their consciences? The truth is that nothing remotely good comes out of this kind of trysts but only heartbreaks, serious consequences, diseases, infections, unwanted pregnancy, abortion and a host of other things that brings us closer to hell. The days when ladies are considered as the more faithful ones are long dead, in fact, they now trigger most forms of infidelity. Most women are fond of finding solace in the arms of other men when their husbands are not attentive without considering the aftermath of such indulgence. There are cases of married women who have been unfaithful, getting pregnant in the process and facing the dilemma of who the real father of their baby is. Why in the world should these things happen? When the husband finds out that the child is not his, that woman has sentenced her child to eternal punishment because no one will fully accept that child.


The single ladies who get knocked up by married men have no option but to recourse to evacuation as the excruciating process of abortion is now made so simple and short like intercourse itself. The married men will never allow you to keep the baby because they do not want to lose their wives who stood by them through thick and thin. The single ladies as well do not have the financial means to support a child with no father because trust me, there will be no child support. No married man wants extra wahala because the reason they were with you in the first place is because they are running away from responsibilities. These hitched men have names for everything they are looking for outside marriage. They refer to the ladies as releases, outlets, a means and the common name we all know, the other woman. Some married men even lay down rules like "you cannot call me at this hour because I’ll be at home", "we cannot be seen together in these areas", "you cannot come to my office at this particular time", "you cannot talk to your friends about me" and most ladies tend to conform because of the attachment they have developed. I don’t know how some ladies live with the fact that they will always come second in the relationships they are involved in, there's a man out there for every woman. If one man has already taken a vow with another woman, go and look for your own man.
99.9% of married men cheat and marriage is no longer upheld as a holy institution. In fact, cheating is not considered as appalling any longer because when the wives find out, you know what they say? "I don’t care as long as he always comes back to me". Jesus! Anyway, I will end this piece by admonishing anyone in a passionate affair with a married man, it will not bring good tidings. I’m very sure there are so many single guys out there who can cater to your needs and be there for you 24/7 and give you all the loving and sexing you need. Though they are usually irresponsible, do not blame them, responsibility is almost a talent these days but unlike dating married men, dating single guys hurts no one.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBODY, MAY THIS YEAR BE BETTER THAN THE FORMER, MAY ALL OUR DREAMS COME TRUE THIS YEAR AND MAY THE EYES OF THE EVIL ONES BE BLIND BEFORE THEY CAN SEE US IN JESUS NAME. AMEN!!!

MY OFFICE, YOUR OFFICE, OUR OFFICES (IF YOU WORK, YOU MUST READ THIS)

We have all worked in places where we initially thought we could have everything we ever wanted from the pay to the accompany benefits, only to start work and realize that we may as well sign a deal with the devil. The organization wants all our time, effort, sweat, talent and life!  If they have the power to do it, they would not allow you to get married or even have a romantic relationship as they see your love life as a threat to your productivity in the organization. They allow limited number of days as leave from work and no matter how much you plead for more time off work, the slave drivers, they just do not budge.

What is most painful is that most high-paying jobs claim the best part of our lives but still we continue to strive to become a member of the corporate giants in the country because of the hopes of being a part of the elites and the expectation of a better system of living. When we have jobs that do not pay well, we begin to send messages to or call friends or seek the presence of M.Ds, G.Ms or Human Resources Manager in the big companies to consider us for a position because we believe through their help, we will reach the pinnacle of our careers. The grass will always look greener in other corporate offices than it does in our present work place.

People whine and whine “Oh, I wish I was working in Chevron”, “Oh, if only they would employ me in Accenture”, “I would give anything to work in Shell” but when they get there, there’s always something to complain about. It may not be the hours, it may not be the location, it may not be the lack of staff welfare, it may not be the dress code, it may not even be the boss’s Machiavellian stance but there’s always something to grouse about, for instance, your work mates.

It is important to know that it is not just our neighbours, the guy overtaking us in bumper-to-bumper traffic, the trader enjoying monopoly or the police who are naturally belligerent, our colleagues at work as well are most times embodiments of serious wahala, psychological problems and character flaws. This is why I have compiled various adjectives for the different kind of people we are forced to work with but whose actions in the business environment always affect our own disposition and outlook towards life. The people we work with at work include some of the following:

THE DEBAUCHED: Unfortunately, this category is mostly undertaken by women although our men are also catching on fast these days as these people are those who do not mind stooping to whatever low moral acts to get what they want. They would sleep with the boss to make their lives more comfortable within and without the office while making every other person’s life miserable. They do not mind sleeping their way into anything or anywhere, they are desperadoes who call themselves go-getters (total denial and how insulting). You dare not talk to, talk at or look at them or cross their paths in such a way that they take up your case because they would ruin you, remember they are not like you, their conscience is dead.

THE FAKE ALMIGHTY: The ones who are regular staffs like others in the company but believe they are better than everybody else in that office. They believe they are due for promotion and if anyone in the company deserves a higher office, it is them or no one else. They are deluded and believe that they should be working in a better place and not in their current post if not for a mishap or something that happened eons ago. They look down on everyone, everything and the company that pays for their survival.

THE ROLLING STONE: These are the colleagues that keep searching for vacancies in other companies and will inform others about opportunities and benefits that are available on the other side. It may be a ploy to get rid of those who are in their way in their present office or on the other hand to help secure a seemingly better life. But as the saying goes, “a rolling stone gathers no moss”.

THE MISERLY: Do not ask them for money or any financial assistance because you will not get it, not even if you need the money to buy the drugs that you need to ingest for surviving another day. Whenever there is need for everyone to pool money together maybe for a celebration in the office, getting money from these ones is a major undertaking. They will never part with their hard-earned money even for a good cause but they can take from others and add to what they already have.

THE SUCK-UP: These are those that would literarily kiss the boss’s ass or any other ass in the office for that matter as long as that ass has got something to give to them. They would descend to a new low just to please the boss or an important colleague, doing so at the expense of another colleague or to spite others. They could also be hardworking as they are more than eager to please the boss so they carry people’s workload just to look like the diligent ones and get the promotion or a raise.

THE GREEN-EYED: The ones that are always jealous of whatever achievement, result, upgrade or any other progress others make. They would look for a way to downplay whatever feat one has achieved so they can feel better about their own failures or lack of accomplishments in life.

THE FIXTURE: These are the ones that you met in the office when you were employed and are probably going to still work there when you are planning to leave after seven years. They have found a comfort zone and not even a bulldozer can get them out of that niche. Their work has become their private shell from which they find solace from the hardship of life or their work is now an escape from the awful reality that they can never function elsewhere. Some fixtures can really be annoying because they believe since they have spent more years in the office, they deserve special treatment, they know best or can tell you what you ought to do usually in a disdainful manner. What these fixtures do not know is that if they put their years of experience in their CV and send it out to other companies, they would earn a higher pay and be given due respect. But they choose to stay in one company forever because they believe they are Kings and Queens of their domain. Actually, they are scared of other business environment because they may not be able to keep up.

THE INCOMPETENT FAVOURITE: These are those who do virtually nothing in the office. They stroll around in designer suits, designer fragrances, always presenting impeccable appearances but they do exactly zero or contribute nothing to the organization, yet, they are the company’s favourite as they are given more benefits, opportunities, better working conditions and other perks of the job. Do not even bother trying to find out why it is so, it usually stems from the person’s personality, relations or other sentimental reasons. Funny thing is they have a special gift and it is making others who are usually more hardworking than them look exactly like them: incompetent.

THE SNEAKY GOSSIP: Stay away from them, do not even try to give them a chance by trusting them one bit. They are everybody’s friends, yet they are loners and the way they survive life is by causing rifts between friends or colleagues. They are everybody’s friends because they want to know more about everybody so they can divulge whatever information they get from one person (usually personal) to the other friends.  Whenever you want to complain about someone else, they would give you a listening ear but as soon as you have forgotten all you said, they add some spices to your words and pass it on to the person you were talking about. If you have always wondered how something you tried so hard to keep a secret suddenly became everyone’s news of the day, I’m pretty sure, the sneaky gossip knows the answer.

THE MOTHERLY: They are usually the oldest in the office but because some old colleagues are really annoying, I would say the motherly colleagues are the wisest. This is because as for the old ones, you must not take anything first until they do, you have to reconstruct your language before you talk to them, if not, you will find yourself in a cleft stick for talking to them rudely and reminding them that even though they finished school while you were still in Kindergarten, you are now in the same office as they are. Motherly people can be good though, these are the ones who care for everyone, they are the approachable ones that offer you good advice especially from experiences and they are the ones who relate with everyone convivially irrespective of age.

THE PEEVISH: You can never predict what mood they will assume each day because you may be seriously wrong and will face the consequences. They are usually quarrelsome and always have something to complain about or would find a reason to find fault with everything. They would bring the anger from home to work and God help the first person that talks to them. The solution for these kind of people is to ignore them, that’s their cure, it is a momentary madness and acting like you cannot see them will bring them back to sanity.

THE FRIEND: Very very very rare. When you meet them on the staircase, in the cafeteria, at the doorstep, by their desk, outside the workplace, they are always smiling and trying to infect you with their smiles. They are the ones that walk into a room during a party and everyone says “yay!”because they brighten up the place. They are the ones who asks “what about Tony?” when Tony is absent from work and then try to make everyone sign a get-well-soon card for Tony because Tony is not feeling fine. They are the ones who call you and tell you about changes or developments at work so you do not get into trouble from not knowing. They are the ones who can raise you with some money when you are seriously broke. They are the ones who can care for you by coming closer to you even though you have some contagious disease. As I said, very rare.

So which are you or which ones are in your office? We are all one of these personalities, please do not ask me my own o, I asked first……..Your comments will console my aching fingers from typing and editing for too long. Thanks!

Friends With Benefits

We all have insecurities that affect our personal lives because of what has happened to us in the past or what we are going through presently. The usual way we try to overcome our insecurities is to either search for a way out, a balance or to be selfish by making others suffer for our flaws. In most relationships, insecurities develop into lack of trust and since trust is the bedrock of any lasting relationship, its deficiency always leads to the dissolution of most relationships. This is mainly because in our relationships, real love is fast becoming extinct as we no longer desire to listen to any “sermonizing” that could make our love lives, pleasant engagements.

The topic above is a saddening issue that gives me a headache and a serious heartburn. I do not consider myself as exactly chaste as I hate to seem sanctimonious but I hardly do things I look back on regretfully but I do a lot for love. I kid you not when I say that 85% of the guys in my life and those in my friends’ lives are not interested in a mutually-beneficial relationship anymore. Initially, when they meet you, it’s very lucid that they care about you in some ways but with time, that intense commitment, attention, passion and sweetness becomes absent. Now, I’m naturally too scared to meet new guys because they have all turned into Sexually Starved Schmucks!!!

Recently, I met this tall handsome working-class guy {very hard to find these days} and it was so obvious that we have got this amazing chemistry as we love to hang out together frequently. We drive out to the movies, shopping malls, clubs and even church together and you would assume we have got something special going on. The problem is that he has not asked me out officially which was my main cause of astonishment when I suddenly saw his luscious lips just a breath away from mine some days ago. I was typically repulsed by his show of whatever form of affection that was, because as far as I was concerned, I was just a friend to him. Am i missing something? Do natural friends kiss now?

I know that people who are just friends do not stick their tongues down each other's throats except they are french or sth, lol, and my not reciprocating in a lip lock was an ideal time for this dude to bare his feelings for me, well that is, if he even feels a tinge of emotion at all. Seriously, this is a good-looking mature dude who was too scared or maybe self-centered, self-absorbed, proud, arrogant or nonchalant to commit to a productive relationship and to one lady, especially one who has been so expectant, {wink! Wink!}. So I asked him about his love life so far and he gave me a heart-wrenching saga about a girl who he truly loved but who broke his heart into irreparable fragments.

Fine, I admit what the girl did to him was horrific but like I always say, this is no reason for any guy to generalize, I mean, why lose hope? Why become so shallow and unfeeling? Just because you are hurting does not mean you have to hurt others by acting so insensate. The point is that you guys become so ridiculously hardened after certain ordeals that you look right past and through your “forever girl” when she eventually comes around.

I also strongly blame the ladies because most of us are giving lots of guys the impression that we do not mind the detachment they express in relationships. I am saying this because some time later, I saw the said guy with some chick when I was passing in a car and I sent him a text immediately. He called later in the day {when he was done} and even though he refrained from saying it directly, he made sure I got to know that he had just finished “doing” the stupid chick when I had spotted them earlier. He also said it in a way that implied this “see what you are missing? Everybody is getting some”.

If a guy does not commit to you in everything, why should you sleep with him especially when you know he might be sharing the same intimacy with someone else in some few hours time? It is this bad; I know guys who confide in me and say that they are also doing the ladies a favor because everyone has got the “itch” they need someone else to “scratch”. What itch? What scratch? Sometimes they talk with such frankness that I feel like I am missing out on something very fantastic. It is even like people forget about STDs or the all-encompassing AIDS these days and don’t you dare mention condoms to me because I’ve been told that guys find condoms a barrier to the real utmost pleasure. During that heat period, most people forget {purposefully} to protect themselves, even still protection is not a full guarantee.

Guys find it too stressful to do the usual gentlemanly thing by having just one partner in their lives and the saddening fact is that ladies have resorted to doing the same just to spite the men. How do you sleep with a guy who does not get to call you the next day just to check up on you? How do you feel when you know he is having it on with someone else? How do you recover when you see that person? How do you cope when you know he only calls you when he has got the infamous itch? Where is your dignity? Because even though guys equate dignity with pride, they like it in a woman. Truthfully, Friends With Benefits is really Friends Without Brains!

Craving for ephemeral moments of pleasure at the expense of something more beautiful in the future is an epic mistake. Since you are friends with other mutual friends, you could cause some serious pains, regret, hatred and loss. Some people say it just happened, yeah, sometimes friends with benefits just crops up but when you know you have feelings for someone , try not to put yourself in a compromising cleft stick especially when you have no self-control. If you really cherish that friendship, you will not want to jeopardize it because trust me, things will never ever be the same after going all the way. Personally, I think it is very disrespectful and condescending when a guy assumes he is deserving of passionate reception from you without wanting to do the right thing.

Friends Without Brains is just wrong, so wrong, you guys just lose respect for each other after the sordid act and more importantly lose the enduring impact you could have made in one another’s lives. Ladies, please up your status, you are no means of release for rabid guys and stop encouraging our men to be irresponsible. As for you guys, well, you always start everything, so we will keep hoping. Ish!!!
Your comments are duly appreciated!

The Ideal Men Are Not Yet Born

I will try as much as possible not to be too opinionated in writing this piece because naturally, most guys will be quick to change the "men" for "women" in reprisal to the above topic. Mulling over my experiences with men, one question that readily comes to mind is “What exactly is wrong with you all?” and it is directed at every Homo sapiens with overflowing testosterone. I will not limit this scribble to personal experiences but will make it vast by alluding to other people’s love lives as well. Having listened to the bawling of my numerous lady friends and worse still, my enemies, the compulsion to elicit a response from guys to the aforementioned question is hereby vehemently expressed.

These days, it seems like a savoury relationship between a man and a woman is no longer feasible and will be almost eternally unachievable. I’ve seen promising relationships fall into flakes just because people no longer fully understand the true meaning of love and take one another for granted. I have often times resolve to remain single forever and tell people who ask me for advice that maybe we are all better off without love but this is annoyingly impossible. Most guys find you more alluring when you are warding them off, they are like flies, and they always get the wrong signals. Moreover, what would this world be without men? Much to my chagrin, i do not want to find out.

Touching on my previous question, it’s really pathetic to be a witness to how low most of our single guys can stoop to in the modern definition of love. I’ve been appalled so many times by the extensive repulsing experiences of this age and the shallow men of today. Not that we ladies don’t have foibles but I believe that men are now more vulgar than women when it comes to the sacred feeling of love. Simply put, Love is now Gold dust.

A friend of mine has given up the prospect of ever finding true love because of the harrowing knowledge that she has of men’s ways. She has decided to be fickle and has adopted the motto, “enjoy it while it lasts” after so many failed relationships. In my case, I can’t adopt her misguided maxim because of who I am, which I love by the way. Her love life (if it can be called that anymore) can be quite amusing, as she seems happy lying to and manipulating guys who now swarm around her in hordes. So I wonder if this is what the men of today want, I really hope not. Being in a relationship is harder and more strenuous than the bar exam that it’s no longer something I would advise anyone to dabble into.

If there’s something I abhor, it’s meeting a guy and the first or only thing he does is to relate with me on face value. What I mean is that, naturally, a guy is initially attracted to a woman because of what he sees but the sin here is when he does not want to see any further than the physical. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’ve lost count of guys I have met who don’t even know me before they start talking about carnal intimacy and I’m not even that easy to talk to. I once met this guy who seemed nice but within a week (actually after a day) was boldly asking where I like to have sex and what styles I liked. I got upset and he told me poker-faced that he was just asking me something natural. It’s funny that guys so often lack gumption, that they use the same inane lingua or slang when they are in a cleft stick. When ladies object to anything lascivious proposed by guys, they use these options; “it’s natural”, “it’s no big deal”, “you are a big girl now”, “come on, let’s just have some fun”, “I thought you were mature” and the list is endless.

It makes you wonder if all the values and ethics of intimacy have been totally expunged from the rule of love. Most guys don’t even want love this days, 85% of our men are only interested in carnal activities. When they are asked why, they say they’ve been heart-broken too many times to ever try loving again while we the female folks say they broke ours, who is really guilty here?

I admit that I’ve had to let go of so many guys I liked just because they failed to see beyond endowments and superficial features. I am however, not fazed though because as they go, so they also come. So many guys are already done with women they should just be getting started with. I really wish most men (you know yourselves) could really take their time to appreciate the ladies beyond our physical outlook and focus more on the innate values. We, the ladies will continue to be hopeful because we know some of you are close to being ideal and some of you can still be salvaged from this century decay. (This article was inspired by a promiscuous lowlife, feel free to render your perspectives).

When The Flesh Fails You

Remember that day you went on a date or a visit and it was supposed to be just a movie, dinner, talk, window shopping, dance and other trivial stuffs but suddenly the last thing you remember is the zipping down and the zipping up. Ya'all know what i'm talking about, right? Many people have been in situations that they come out of saying "what did i just do?", "what was i thinking?", "God, i feel like killing myself", "O.M.G. I should have controlled myself more!". In most cases, however, you walked into the scene level-headed, thinking you've got everything under control, but eventually, you come out of it all flummoxed especially after doing something stupidly impulsive. The most drastic and shameful case would be having coitus with someone you didnt plan to have it with or someone who was just too darn sexy for you to resist that your self control turned into self expression. This case is where this phrase was coined "when your heart says no but your body says YES!". I'm pretty certain we have all found ourselves in fantastic places where our bodies helplessly say, scream and shout, YES! YES! YES!. Do you ever ask yourself why this happens? Well, let me educate you, lol. As if.


Have you ever heard of PHEROMONE? If you look it up in the Oxford Dictionary, it is ascribed to animal attraction. Fortunately or unfortunately, this kind of hormone is also secreted by humans. It is a sex enhancing secretion, odourless, unseen, undetectable but strong. No matter how much self control you have got, as long as you have blood pumping in your veins, my friends, ye shall loseth yourself. My experience with pheromone, hmmm.....let's see....no comments! Pheromone is that which makes you get down when you are supposed to stay up. It makes you lose yourself and sometimes your dignity, control, principles, inhibitions and values. It however, encourages your lust, fantasies, fetishes, desires and moments of indulgence. What i hate about pheromone is that it does not include memory loss. After it inspires you to commit those acts that makes you wish for a time machine later, it keeps refreshing your memory. You will remember every ounce of the kissing, touching, licking, caressing, moaning, intensity and yes "the poking". Ladies, pheromone is what drives you crazy when you are making out with a guy and you throw all caution to the wind. In some cases, when the guy is moving too slow, it is what makes you want to slap him real hard and scream "just get to it already, damn it!". As for the guys, do you even need pheromone to get your freak on with anybody, anytime, anyday? With or without pheromone, you are always ready for action! This orgiastic (from orgy) pheromone has caused so many emotional complications and regrets, most especially because it comes as an overwhelming rush and then subsides without warning. Note: it only subsides after the climax of your act. It's not like taking marijuana, indian hemp, cocain, LSD or any other hallucinogenics, pheromone is a natural high.


If you have read my previous articles, you should know by now that it's never wholesome without allusions to friends' or personal experiences, so here goes: A good friend of mine met this guy in the course of work. Man meets woman, so there was the normal chemistry, the stolen glances, secret smiles, notice me, discovering of mutual interests, gentle touches, which all led to the midnight calls and the incessant "when will i see you again?". Finally, she agreed to go to his crib (oh sorry, his slaughter house). This was the first time they were both going to be in an enclosed space or room with no other person present, so one would expect some degree of decency and shyness from both parties. Whatever. After listening to the first line of a song within a fraction of a minute, they started tearing at each other and oh YES! they got down to it, they did the deed! Some hours later, she had to leave (no, he did not ask her to stay overnight, boohoohoo!). She later felt insecure and remorseful but kept reassuring herself that this could be the spark of a beautiful passionate relationship.


Dear readers, my beautiful girlfriend is still waiting for his call, flash, text or better yet his "please call me". This is like four months after the event but she is too ashamed to confront him, Psheeeew! Girlfriend aint like me, lol. It's quite saddening because she still talks about the guy till date as she says "he had everything i ever wanted in a guy, the right height, the eloquence, lovely taste in music, movies, he even has his own car, apartment and is he endowed or what?". Correct me if I am wrong but if not for the excessive explosion of the notorious pheromone, that lascivious ingrate of a guy will still be calling her up with libidinous enthusiasm. Why do you guys always do that? Why do you chase after someone so fervently for so long, only to get them and dump them? Is the thrill only in the chase? Why are you so frigging fickle? Anyway that's another stress for another write-up. Seriously cant wait.

More so, this does not mean you can blame pheromone for every single deplorable engagement you get yourself caught up in. These are the things i loathe about pheromone; the flesh takes over the head and the heart, only the guys benefit from it, it does not lead to or improve relationships, it is not existent in marriage (just check out the rate of adultery and divorce), it makes us lose potential husbands or wives, it makes you insane for a while and most importantly, it does not cause memory loss, you have to live with the memory, usually a guilty one, for a long period of time. On the other hand, Scientists have gathered from researches that pheromone has a good side to it. You know what they say that all disadvantages have advantages and vice versa. It has been discovered that pheromone has the benefits of making one feel high and excited, it is also a form of release and purge from stress or pressure, it brings a feeling of refreshment, it increases fertility in women for reproduction (well, for obvious reasons) then the one i think is most reasonable, it makes headaches go away. Oh yes! When you have headache, especially those of you with seasonal migraines, just find someone to kiss because the pheromone released from the act of kissing makes the headache disappear. Poof!. Have i tried it? Hmmm....another write up for another day lol. Which reminds me of something. I once told a male colleague that pheromone from kissing clears away headaches, so whenever i said i've got an headache the next thing he says is "can i help you out?" with a coy smile. Guys!


So peeps, quit asking yourselves what led you to do "IT", it's quite simple, it's the flesh, will and pheromone. If you finish reading, please help me confirm if kissing truly take headaches go away. The stress in Lagos is just too much and i usually get this persistent banging and clanging in my head from the strenuous nature of everyday study and work. Just dont do it with someone with chronic halitosis, i'm sure that will only turn the headache into stomachache or another ailment needing minor surgery. I'm anticipating your results!