MY OFFICE, YOUR OFFICE, OUR OFFICES (IF YOU WORK, YOU MUST READ THIS)

We have all worked in places where we initially thought we could have everything we ever wanted from the pay to the accompany benefits, only to start work and realize that we may as well sign a deal with the devil. The organization wants all our time, effort, sweat, talent and life!  If they have the power to do it, they would not allow you to get married or even have a romantic relationship as they see your love life as a threat to your productivity in the organization. They allow limited number of days as leave from work and no matter how much you plead for more time off work, the slave drivers, they just do not budge.

What is most painful is that most high-paying jobs claim the best part of our lives but still we continue to strive to become a member of the corporate giants in the country because of the hopes of being a part of the elites and the expectation of a better system of living. When we have jobs that do not pay well, we begin to send messages to or call friends or seek the presence of M.Ds, G.Ms or Human Resources Manager in the big companies to consider us for a position because we believe through their help, we will reach the pinnacle of our careers. The grass will always look greener in other corporate offices than it does in our present work place.

People whine and whine “Oh, I wish I was working in Chevron”, “Oh, if only they would employ me in Accenture”, “I would give anything to work in Shell” but when they get there, there’s always something to complain about. It may not be the hours, it may not be the location, it may not be the lack of staff welfare, it may not be the dress code, it may not even be the boss’s Machiavellian stance but there’s always something to grouse about, for instance, your work mates.

It is important to know that it is not just our neighbours, the guy overtaking us in bumper-to-bumper traffic, the trader enjoying monopoly or the police who are naturally belligerent, our colleagues at work as well are most times embodiments of serious wahala, psychological problems and character flaws. This is why I have compiled various adjectives for the different kind of people we are forced to work with but whose actions in the business environment always affect our own disposition and outlook towards life. The people we work with at work include some of the following:

THE DEBAUCHED: Unfortunately, this category is mostly undertaken by women although our men are also catching on fast these days as these people are those who do not mind stooping to whatever low moral acts to get what they want. They would sleep with the boss to make their lives more comfortable within and without the office while making every other person’s life miserable. They do not mind sleeping their way into anything or anywhere, they are desperadoes who call themselves go-getters (total denial and how insulting). You dare not talk to, talk at or look at them or cross their paths in such a way that they take up your case because they would ruin you, remember they are not like you, their conscience is dead.

THE FAKE ALMIGHTY: The ones who are regular staffs like others in the company but believe they are better than everybody else in that office. They believe they are due for promotion and if anyone in the company deserves a higher office, it is them or no one else. They are deluded and believe that they should be working in a better place and not in their current post if not for a mishap or something that happened eons ago. They look down on everyone, everything and the company that pays for their survival.

THE ROLLING STONE: These are the colleagues that keep searching for vacancies in other companies and will inform others about opportunities and benefits that are available on the other side. It may be a ploy to get rid of those who are in their way in their present office or on the other hand to help secure a seemingly better life. But as the saying goes, “a rolling stone gathers no moss”.

THE MISERLY: Do not ask them for money or any financial assistance because you will not get it, not even if you need the money to buy the drugs that you need to ingest for surviving another day. Whenever there is need for everyone to pool money together maybe for a celebration in the office, getting money from these ones is a major undertaking. They will never part with their hard-earned money even for a good cause but they can take from others and add to what they already have.

THE SUCK-UP: These are those that would literarily kiss the boss’s ass or any other ass in the office for that matter as long as that ass has got something to give to them. They would descend to a new low just to please the boss or an important colleague, doing so at the expense of another colleague or to spite others. They could also be hardworking as they are more than eager to please the boss so they carry people’s workload just to look like the diligent ones and get the promotion or a raise.

THE GREEN-EYED: The ones that are always jealous of whatever achievement, result, upgrade or any other progress others make. They would look for a way to downplay whatever feat one has achieved so they can feel better about their own failures or lack of accomplishments in life.

THE FIXTURE: These are the ones that you met in the office when you were employed and are probably going to still work there when you are planning to leave after seven years. They have found a comfort zone and not even a bulldozer can get them out of that niche. Their work has become their private shell from which they find solace from the hardship of life or their work is now an escape from the awful reality that they can never function elsewhere. Some fixtures can really be annoying because they believe since they have spent more years in the office, they deserve special treatment, they know best or can tell you what you ought to do usually in a disdainful manner. What these fixtures do not know is that if they put their years of experience in their CV and send it out to other companies, they would earn a higher pay and be given due respect. But they choose to stay in one company forever because they believe they are Kings and Queens of their domain. Actually, they are scared of other business environment because they may not be able to keep up.

THE INCOMPETENT FAVOURITE: These are those who do virtually nothing in the office. They stroll around in designer suits, designer fragrances, always presenting impeccable appearances but they do exactly zero or contribute nothing to the organization, yet, they are the company’s favourite as they are given more benefits, opportunities, better working conditions and other perks of the job. Do not even bother trying to find out why it is so, it usually stems from the person’s personality, relations or other sentimental reasons. Funny thing is they have a special gift and it is making others who are usually more hardworking than them look exactly like them: incompetent.

THE SNEAKY GOSSIP: Stay away from them, do not even try to give them a chance by trusting them one bit. They are everybody’s friends, yet they are loners and the way they survive life is by causing rifts between friends or colleagues. They are everybody’s friends because they want to know more about everybody so they can divulge whatever information they get from one person (usually personal) to the other friends.  Whenever you want to complain about someone else, they would give you a listening ear but as soon as you have forgotten all you said, they add some spices to your words and pass it on to the person you were talking about. If you have always wondered how something you tried so hard to keep a secret suddenly became everyone’s news of the day, I’m pretty sure, the sneaky gossip knows the answer.

THE MOTHERLY: They are usually the oldest in the office but because some old colleagues are really annoying, I would say the motherly colleagues are the wisest. This is because as for the old ones, you must not take anything first until they do, you have to reconstruct your language before you talk to them, if not, you will find yourself in a cleft stick for talking to them rudely and reminding them that even though they finished school while you were still in Kindergarten, you are now in the same office as they are. Motherly people can be good though, these are the ones who care for everyone, they are the approachable ones that offer you good advice especially from experiences and they are the ones who relate with everyone convivially irrespective of age.

THE PEEVISH: You can never predict what mood they will assume each day because you may be seriously wrong and will face the consequences. They are usually quarrelsome and always have something to complain about or would find a reason to find fault with everything. They would bring the anger from home to work and God help the first person that talks to them. The solution for these kind of people is to ignore them, that’s their cure, it is a momentary madness and acting like you cannot see them will bring them back to sanity.

THE FRIEND: Very very very rare. When you meet them on the staircase, in the cafeteria, at the doorstep, by their desk, outside the workplace, they are always smiling and trying to infect you with their smiles. They are the ones that walk into a room during a party and everyone says “yay!”because they brighten up the place. They are the ones who asks “what about Tony?” when Tony is absent from work and then try to make everyone sign a get-well-soon card for Tony because Tony is not feeling fine. They are the ones who call you and tell you about changes or developments at work so you do not get into trouble from not knowing. They are the ones who can raise you with some money when you are seriously broke. They are the ones who can care for you by coming closer to you even though you have some contagious disease. As I said, very rare.

So which are you or which ones are in your office? We are all one of these personalities, please do not ask me my own o, I asked first……..Your comments will console my aching fingers from typing and editing for too long. Thanks!