Friends With Benefits

We all have insecurities that affect our personal lives because of what has happened to us in the past or what we are going through presently. The usual way we try to overcome our insecurities is to either search for a way out, a balance or to be selfish by making others suffer for our flaws. In most relationships, insecurities develop into lack of trust and since trust is the bedrock of any lasting relationship, its deficiency always leads to the dissolution of most relationships. This is mainly because in our relationships, real love is fast becoming extinct as we no longer desire to listen to any “sermonizing” that could make our love lives, pleasant engagements.

The topic above is a saddening issue that gives me a headache and a serious heartburn. I do not consider myself as exactly chaste as I hate to seem sanctimonious but I hardly do things I look back on regretfully but I do a lot for love. I kid you not when I say that 85% of the guys in my life and those in my friends’ lives are not interested in a mutually-beneficial relationship anymore. Initially, when they meet you, it’s very lucid that they care about you in some ways but with time, that intense commitment, attention, passion and sweetness becomes absent. Now, I’m naturally too scared to meet new guys because they have all turned into Sexually Starved Schmucks!!!

Recently, I met this tall handsome working-class guy {very hard to find these days} and it was so obvious that we have got this amazing chemistry as we love to hang out together frequently. We drive out to the movies, shopping malls, clubs and even church together and you would assume we have got something special going on. The problem is that he has not asked me out officially which was my main cause of astonishment when I suddenly saw his luscious lips just a breath away from mine some days ago. I was typically repulsed by his show of whatever form of affection that was, because as far as I was concerned, I was just a friend to him. Am i missing something? Do natural friends kiss now?

I know that people who are just friends do not stick their tongues down each other's throats except they are french or sth, lol, and my not reciprocating in a lip lock was an ideal time for this dude to bare his feelings for me, well that is, if he even feels a tinge of emotion at all. Seriously, this is a good-looking mature dude who was too scared or maybe self-centered, self-absorbed, proud, arrogant or nonchalant to commit to a productive relationship and to one lady, especially one who has been so expectant, {wink! Wink!}. So I asked him about his love life so far and he gave me a heart-wrenching saga about a girl who he truly loved but who broke his heart into irreparable fragments.

Fine, I admit what the girl did to him was horrific but like I always say, this is no reason for any guy to generalize, I mean, why lose hope? Why become so shallow and unfeeling? Just because you are hurting does not mean you have to hurt others by acting so insensate. The point is that you guys become so ridiculously hardened after certain ordeals that you look right past and through your “forever girl” when she eventually comes around.

I also strongly blame the ladies because most of us are giving lots of guys the impression that we do not mind the detachment they express in relationships. I am saying this because some time later, I saw the said guy with some chick when I was passing in a car and I sent him a text immediately. He called later in the day {when he was done} and even though he refrained from saying it directly, he made sure I got to know that he had just finished “doing” the stupid chick when I had spotted them earlier. He also said it in a way that implied this “see what you are missing? Everybody is getting some”.

If a guy does not commit to you in everything, why should you sleep with him especially when you know he might be sharing the same intimacy with someone else in some few hours time? It is this bad; I know guys who confide in me and say that they are also doing the ladies a favor because everyone has got the “itch” they need someone else to “scratch”. What itch? What scratch? Sometimes they talk with such frankness that I feel like I am missing out on something very fantastic. It is even like people forget about STDs or the all-encompassing AIDS these days and don’t you dare mention condoms to me because I’ve been told that guys find condoms a barrier to the real utmost pleasure. During that heat period, most people forget {purposefully} to protect themselves, even still protection is not a full guarantee.

Guys find it too stressful to do the usual gentlemanly thing by having just one partner in their lives and the saddening fact is that ladies have resorted to doing the same just to spite the men. How do you sleep with a guy who does not get to call you the next day just to check up on you? How do you feel when you know he is having it on with someone else? How do you recover when you see that person? How do you cope when you know he only calls you when he has got the infamous itch? Where is your dignity? Because even though guys equate dignity with pride, they like it in a woman. Truthfully, Friends With Benefits is really Friends Without Brains!

Craving for ephemeral moments of pleasure at the expense of something more beautiful in the future is an epic mistake. Since you are friends with other mutual friends, you could cause some serious pains, regret, hatred and loss. Some people say it just happened, yeah, sometimes friends with benefits just crops up but when you know you have feelings for someone , try not to put yourself in a compromising cleft stick especially when you have no self-control. If you really cherish that friendship, you will not want to jeopardize it because trust me, things will never ever be the same after going all the way. Personally, I think it is very disrespectful and condescending when a guy assumes he is deserving of passionate reception from you without wanting to do the right thing.

Friends Without Brains is just wrong, so wrong, you guys just lose respect for each other after the sordid act and more importantly lose the enduring impact you could have made in one another’s lives. Ladies, please up your status, you are no means of release for rabid guys and stop encouraging our men to be irresponsible. As for you guys, well, you always start everything, so we will keep hoping. Ish!!!
Your comments are duly appreciated!

The Ideal Men Are Not Yet Born

I will try as much as possible not to be too opinionated in writing this piece because naturally, most guys will be quick to change the "men" for "women" in reprisal to the above topic. Mulling over my experiences with men, one question that readily comes to mind is “What exactly is wrong with you all?” and it is directed at every Homo sapiens with overflowing testosterone. I will not limit this scribble to personal experiences but will make it vast by alluding to other people’s love lives as well. Having listened to the bawling of my numerous lady friends and worse still, my enemies, the compulsion to elicit a response from guys to the aforementioned question is hereby vehemently expressed.

These days, it seems like a savoury relationship between a man and a woman is no longer feasible and will be almost eternally unachievable. I’ve seen promising relationships fall into flakes just because people no longer fully understand the true meaning of love and take one another for granted. I have often times resolve to remain single forever and tell people who ask me for advice that maybe we are all better off without love but this is annoyingly impossible. Most guys find you more alluring when you are warding them off, they are like flies, and they always get the wrong signals. Moreover, what would this world be without men? Much to my chagrin, i do not want to find out.

Touching on my previous question, it’s really pathetic to be a witness to how low most of our single guys can stoop to in the modern definition of love. I’ve been appalled so many times by the extensive repulsing experiences of this age and the shallow men of today. Not that we ladies don’t have foibles but I believe that men are now more vulgar than women when it comes to the sacred feeling of love. Simply put, Love is now Gold dust.

A friend of mine has given up the prospect of ever finding true love because of the harrowing knowledge that she has of men’s ways. She has decided to be fickle and has adopted the motto, “enjoy it while it lasts” after so many failed relationships. In my case, I can’t adopt her misguided maxim because of who I am, which I love by the way. Her love life (if it can be called that anymore) can be quite amusing, as she seems happy lying to and manipulating guys who now swarm around her in hordes. So I wonder if this is what the men of today want, I really hope not. Being in a relationship is harder and more strenuous than the bar exam that it’s no longer something I would advise anyone to dabble into.

If there’s something I abhor, it’s meeting a guy and the first or only thing he does is to relate with me on face value. What I mean is that, naturally, a guy is initially attracted to a woman because of what he sees but the sin here is when he does not want to see any further than the physical. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’ve lost count of guys I have met who don’t even know me before they start talking about carnal intimacy and I’m not even that easy to talk to. I once met this guy who seemed nice but within a week (actually after a day) was boldly asking where I like to have sex and what styles I liked. I got upset and he told me poker-faced that he was just asking me something natural. It’s funny that guys so often lack gumption, that they use the same inane lingua or slang when they are in a cleft stick. When ladies object to anything lascivious proposed by guys, they use these options; “it’s natural”, “it’s no big deal”, “you are a big girl now”, “come on, let’s just have some fun”, “I thought you were mature” and the list is endless.

It makes you wonder if all the values and ethics of intimacy have been totally expunged from the rule of love. Most guys don’t even want love this days, 85% of our men are only interested in carnal activities. When they are asked why, they say they’ve been heart-broken too many times to ever try loving again while we the female folks say they broke ours, who is really guilty here?

I admit that I’ve had to let go of so many guys I liked just because they failed to see beyond endowments and superficial features. I am however, not fazed though because as they go, so they also come. So many guys are already done with women they should just be getting started with. I really wish most men (you know yourselves) could really take their time to appreciate the ladies beyond our physical outlook and focus more on the innate values. We, the ladies will continue to be hopeful because we know some of you are close to being ideal and some of you can still be salvaged from this century decay. (This article was inspired by a promiscuous lowlife, feel free to render your perspectives).

When The Flesh Fails You

Remember that day you went on a date or a visit and it was supposed to be just a movie, dinner, talk, window shopping, dance and other trivial stuffs but suddenly the last thing you remember is the zipping down and the zipping up. Ya'all know what i'm talking about, right? Many people have been in situations that they come out of saying "what did i just do?", "what was i thinking?", "God, i feel like killing myself", "O.M.G. I should have controlled myself more!". In most cases, however, you walked into the scene level-headed, thinking you've got everything under control, but eventually, you come out of it all flummoxed especially after doing something stupidly impulsive. The most drastic and shameful case would be having coitus with someone you didnt plan to have it with or someone who was just too darn sexy for you to resist that your self control turned into self expression. This case is where this phrase was coined "when your heart says no but your body says YES!". I'm pretty certain we have all found ourselves in fantastic places where our bodies helplessly say, scream and shout, YES! YES! YES!. Do you ever ask yourself why this happens? Well, let me educate you, lol. As if.


Have you ever heard of PHEROMONE? If you look it up in the Oxford Dictionary, it is ascribed to animal attraction. Fortunately or unfortunately, this kind of hormone is also secreted by humans. It is a sex enhancing secretion, odourless, unseen, undetectable but strong. No matter how much self control you have got, as long as you have blood pumping in your veins, my friends, ye shall loseth yourself. My experience with pheromone, hmmm.....let's see....no comments! Pheromone is that which makes you get down when you are supposed to stay up. It makes you lose yourself and sometimes your dignity, control, principles, inhibitions and values. It however, encourages your lust, fantasies, fetishes, desires and moments of indulgence. What i hate about pheromone is that it does not include memory loss. After it inspires you to commit those acts that makes you wish for a time machine later, it keeps refreshing your memory. You will remember every ounce of the kissing, touching, licking, caressing, moaning, intensity and yes "the poking". Ladies, pheromone is what drives you crazy when you are making out with a guy and you throw all caution to the wind. In some cases, when the guy is moving too slow, it is what makes you want to slap him real hard and scream "just get to it already, damn it!". As for the guys, do you even need pheromone to get your freak on with anybody, anytime, anyday? With or without pheromone, you are always ready for action! This orgiastic (from orgy) pheromone has caused so many emotional complications and regrets, most especially because it comes as an overwhelming rush and then subsides without warning. Note: it only subsides after the climax of your act. It's not like taking marijuana, indian hemp, cocain, LSD or any other hallucinogenics, pheromone is a natural high.


If you have read my previous articles, you should know by now that it's never wholesome without allusions to friends' or personal experiences, so here goes: A good friend of mine met this guy in the course of work. Man meets woman, so there was the normal chemistry, the stolen glances, secret smiles, notice me, discovering of mutual interests, gentle touches, which all led to the midnight calls and the incessant "when will i see you again?". Finally, she agreed to go to his crib (oh sorry, his slaughter house). This was the first time they were both going to be in an enclosed space or room with no other person present, so one would expect some degree of decency and shyness from both parties. Whatever. After listening to the first line of a song within a fraction of a minute, they started tearing at each other and oh YES! they got down to it, they did the deed! Some hours later, she had to leave (no, he did not ask her to stay overnight, boohoohoo!). She later felt insecure and remorseful but kept reassuring herself that this could be the spark of a beautiful passionate relationship.


Dear readers, my beautiful girlfriend is still waiting for his call, flash, text or better yet his "please call me". This is like four months after the event but she is too ashamed to confront him, Psheeeew! Girlfriend aint like me, lol. It's quite saddening because she still talks about the guy till date as she says "he had everything i ever wanted in a guy, the right height, the eloquence, lovely taste in music, movies, he even has his own car, apartment and is he endowed or what?". Correct me if I am wrong but if not for the excessive explosion of the notorious pheromone, that lascivious ingrate of a guy will still be calling her up with libidinous enthusiasm. Why do you guys always do that? Why do you chase after someone so fervently for so long, only to get them and dump them? Is the thrill only in the chase? Why are you so frigging fickle? Anyway that's another stress for another write-up. Seriously cant wait.

More so, this does not mean you can blame pheromone for every single deplorable engagement you get yourself caught up in. These are the things i loathe about pheromone; the flesh takes over the head and the heart, only the guys benefit from it, it does not lead to or improve relationships, it is not existent in marriage (just check out the rate of adultery and divorce), it makes us lose potential husbands or wives, it makes you insane for a while and most importantly, it does not cause memory loss, you have to live with the memory, usually a guilty one, for a long period of time. On the other hand, Scientists have gathered from researches that pheromone has a good side to it. You know what they say that all disadvantages have advantages and vice versa. It has been discovered that pheromone has the benefits of making one feel high and excited, it is also a form of release and purge from stress or pressure, it brings a feeling of refreshment, it increases fertility in women for reproduction (well, for obvious reasons) then the one i think is most reasonable, it makes headaches go away. Oh yes! When you have headache, especially those of you with seasonal migraines, just find someone to kiss because the pheromone released from the act of kissing makes the headache disappear. Poof!. Have i tried it? Hmmm....another write up for another day lol. Which reminds me of something. I once told a male colleague that pheromone from kissing clears away headaches, so whenever i said i've got an headache the next thing he says is "can i help you out?" with a coy smile. Guys!


So peeps, quit asking yourselves what led you to do "IT", it's quite simple, it's the flesh, will and pheromone. If you finish reading, please help me confirm if kissing truly take headaches go away. The stress in Lagos is just too much and i usually get this persistent banging and clanging in my head from the strenuous nature of everyday study and work. Just dont do it with someone with chronic halitosis, i'm sure that will only turn the headache into stomachache or another ailment needing minor surgery. I'm anticipating your results!