HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBODY, MAY THIS YEAR BE BETTER THAN THE FORMER, MAY ALL OUR DREAMS COME TRUE THIS YEAR AND MAY THE EYES OF THE EVIL ONES BE BLIND BEFORE THEY CAN SEE US IN JESUS NAME. AMEN!!!

MY OFFICE, YOUR OFFICE, OUR OFFICES (IF YOU WORK, YOU MUST READ THIS)

We have all worked in places where we initially thought we could have everything we ever wanted from the pay to the accompany benefits, only to start work and realize that we may as well sign a deal with the devil. The organization wants all our time, effort, sweat, talent and life!  If they have the power to do it, they would not allow you to get married or even have a romantic relationship as they see your love life as a threat to your productivity in the organization. They allow limited number of days as leave from work and no matter how much you plead for more time off work, the slave drivers, they just do not budge.

What is most painful is that most high-paying jobs claim the best part of our lives but still we continue to strive to become a member of the corporate giants in the country because of the hopes of being a part of the elites and the expectation of a better system of living. When we have jobs that do not pay well, we begin to send messages to or call friends or seek the presence of M.Ds, G.Ms or Human Resources Manager in the big companies to consider us for a position because we believe through their help, we will reach the pinnacle of our careers. The grass will always look greener in other corporate offices than it does in our present work place.

People whine and whine “Oh, I wish I was working in Chevron”, “Oh, if only they would employ me in Accenture”, “I would give anything to work in Shell” but when they get there, there’s always something to complain about. It may not be the hours, it may not be the location, it may not be the lack of staff welfare, it may not be the dress code, it may not even be the boss’s Machiavellian stance but there’s always something to grouse about, for instance, your work mates.

It is important to know that it is not just our neighbours, the guy overtaking us in bumper-to-bumper traffic, the trader enjoying monopoly or the police who are naturally belligerent, our colleagues at work as well are most times embodiments of serious wahala, psychological problems and character flaws. This is why I have compiled various adjectives for the different kind of people we are forced to work with but whose actions in the business environment always affect our own disposition and outlook towards life. The people we work with at work include some of the following:

THE DEBAUCHED: Unfortunately, this category is mostly undertaken by women although our men are also catching on fast these days as these people are those who do not mind stooping to whatever low moral acts to get what they want. They would sleep with the boss to make their lives more comfortable within and without the office while making every other person’s life miserable. They do not mind sleeping their way into anything or anywhere, they are desperadoes who call themselves go-getters (total denial and how insulting). You dare not talk to, talk at or look at them or cross their paths in such a way that they take up your case because they would ruin you, remember they are not like you, their conscience is dead.

THE FAKE ALMIGHTY: The ones who are regular staffs like others in the company but believe they are better than everybody else in that office. They believe they are due for promotion and if anyone in the company deserves a higher office, it is them or no one else. They are deluded and believe that they should be working in a better place and not in their current post if not for a mishap or something that happened eons ago. They look down on everyone, everything and the company that pays for their survival.

THE ROLLING STONE: These are the colleagues that keep searching for vacancies in other companies and will inform others about opportunities and benefits that are available on the other side. It may be a ploy to get rid of those who are in their way in their present office or on the other hand to help secure a seemingly better life. But as the saying goes, “a rolling stone gathers no moss”.

THE MISERLY: Do not ask them for money or any financial assistance because you will not get it, not even if you need the money to buy the drugs that you need to ingest for surviving another day. Whenever there is need for everyone to pool money together maybe for a celebration in the office, getting money from these ones is a major undertaking. They will never part with their hard-earned money even for a good cause but they can take from others and add to what they already have.

THE SUCK-UP: These are those that would literarily kiss the boss’s ass or any other ass in the office for that matter as long as that ass has got something to give to them. They would descend to a new low just to please the boss or an important colleague, doing so at the expense of another colleague or to spite others. They could also be hardworking as they are more than eager to please the boss so they carry people’s workload just to look like the diligent ones and get the promotion or a raise.

THE GREEN-EYED: The ones that are always jealous of whatever achievement, result, upgrade or any other progress others make. They would look for a way to downplay whatever feat one has achieved so they can feel better about their own failures or lack of accomplishments in life.

THE FIXTURE: These are the ones that you met in the office when you were employed and are probably going to still work there when you are planning to leave after seven years. They have found a comfort zone and not even a bulldozer can get them out of that niche. Their work has become their private shell from which they find solace from the hardship of life or their work is now an escape from the awful reality that they can never function elsewhere. Some fixtures can really be annoying because they believe since they have spent more years in the office, they deserve special treatment, they know best or can tell you what you ought to do usually in a disdainful manner. What these fixtures do not know is that if they put their years of experience in their CV and send it out to other companies, they would earn a higher pay and be given due respect. But they choose to stay in one company forever because they believe they are Kings and Queens of their domain. Actually, they are scared of other business environment because they may not be able to keep up.

THE INCOMPETENT FAVOURITE: These are those who do virtually nothing in the office. They stroll around in designer suits, designer fragrances, always presenting impeccable appearances but they do exactly zero or contribute nothing to the organization, yet, they are the company’s favourite as they are given more benefits, opportunities, better working conditions and other perks of the job. Do not even bother trying to find out why it is so, it usually stems from the person’s personality, relations or other sentimental reasons. Funny thing is they have a special gift and it is making others who are usually more hardworking than them look exactly like them: incompetent.

THE SNEAKY GOSSIP: Stay away from them, do not even try to give them a chance by trusting them one bit. They are everybody’s friends, yet they are loners and the way they survive life is by causing rifts between friends or colleagues. They are everybody’s friends because they want to know more about everybody so they can divulge whatever information they get from one person (usually personal) to the other friends.  Whenever you want to complain about someone else, they would give you a listening ear but as soon as you have forgotten all you said, they add some spices to your words and pass it on to the person you were talking about. If you have always wondered how something you tried so hard to keep a secret suddenly became everyone’s news of the day, I’m pretty sure, the sneaky gossip knows the answer.

THE MOTHERLY: They are usually the oldest in the office but because some old colleagues are really annoying, I would say the motherly colleagues are the wisest. This is because as for the old ones, you must not take anything first until they do, you have to reconstruct your language before you talk to them, if not, you will find yourself in a cleft stick for talking to them rudely and reminding them that even though they finished school while you were still in Kindergarten, you are now in the same office as they are. Motherly people can be good though, these are the ones who care for everyone, they are the approachable ones that offer you good advice especially from experiences and they are the ones who relate with everyone convivially irrespective of age.

THE PEEVISH: You can never predict what mood they will assume each day because you may be seriously wrong and will face the consequences. They are usually quarrelsome and always have something to complain about or would find a reason to find fault with everything. They would bring the anger from home to work and God help the first person that talks to them. The solution for these kind of people is to ignore them, that’s their cure, it is a momentary madness and acting like you cannot see them will bring them back to sanity.

THE FRIEND: Very very very rare. When you meet them on the staircase, in the cafeteria, at the doorstep, by their desk, outside the workplace, they are always smiling and trying to infect you with their smiles. They are the ones that walk into a room during a party and everyone says “yay!”because they brighten up the place. They are the ones who asks “what about Tony?” when Tony is absent from work and then try to make everyone sign a get-well-soon card for Tony because Tony is not feeling fine. They are the ones who call you and tell you about changes or developments at work so you do not get into trouble from not knowing. They are the ones who can raise you with some money when you are seriously broke. They are the ones who can care for you by coming closer to you even though you have some contagious disease. As I said, very rare.

So which are you or which ones are in your office? We are all one of these personalities, please do not ask me my own o, I asked first……..Your comments will console my aching fingers from typing and editing for too long. Thanks!

Friends With Benefits

We all have insecurities that affect our personal lives because of what has happened to us in the past or what we are going through presently. The usual way we try to overcome our insecurities is to either search for a way out, a balance or to be selfish by making others suffer for our flaws. In most relationships, insecurities develop into lack of trust and since trust is the bedrock of any lasting relationship, its deficiency always leads to the dissolution of most relationships. This is mainly because in our relationships, real love is fast becoming extinct as we no longer desire to listen to any “sermonizing” that could make our love lives, pleasant engagements.

The topic above is a saddening issue that gives me a headache and a serious heartburn. I do not consider myself as exactly chaste as I hate to seem sanctimonious but I hardly do things I look back on regretfully but I do a lot for love. I kid you not when I say that 85% of the guys in my life and those in my friends’ lives are not interested in a mutually-beneficial relationship anymore. Initially, when they meet you, it’s very lucid that they care about you in some ways but with time, that intense commitment, attention, passion and sweetness becomes absent. Now, I’m naturally too scared to meet new guys because they have all turned into Sexually Starved Schmucks!!!

Recently, I met this tall handsome working-class guy {very hard to find these days} and it was so obvious that we have got this amazing chemistry as we love to hang out together frequently. We drive out to the movies, shopping malls, clubs and even church together and you would assume we have got something special going on. The problem is that he has not asked me out officially which was my main cause of astonishment when I suddenly saw his luscious lips just a breath away from mine some days ago. I was typically repulsed by his show of whatever form of affection that was, because as far as I was concerned, I was just a friend to him. Am i missing something? Do natural friends kiss now?

I know that people who are just friends do not stick their tongues down each other's throats except they are french or sth, lol, and my not reciprocating in a lip lock was an ideal time for this dude to bare his feelings for me, well that is, if he even feels a tinge of emotion at all. Seriously, this is a good-looking mature dude who was too scared or maybe self-centered, self-absorbed, proud, arrogant or nonchalant to commit to a productive relationship and to one lady, especially one who has been so expectant, {wink! Wink!}. So I asked him about his love life so far and he gave me a heart-wrenching saga about a girl who he truly loved but who broke his heart into irreparable fragments.

Fine, I admit what the girl did to him was horrific but like I always say, this is no reason for any guy to generalize, I mean, why lose hope? Why become so shallow and unfeeling? Just because you are hurting does not mean you have to hurt others by acting so insensate. The point is that you guys become so ridiculously hardened after certain ordeals that you look right past and through your “forever girl” when she eventually comes around.

I also strongly blame the ladies because most of us are giving lots of guys the impression that we do not mind the detachment they express in relationships. I am saying this because some time later, I saw the said guy with some chick when I was passing in a car and I sent him a text immediately. He called later in the day {when he was done} and even though he refrained from saying it directly, he made sure I got to know that he had just finished “doing” the stupid chick when I had spotted them earlier. He also said it in a way that implied this “see what you are missing? Everybody is getting some”.

If a guy does not commit to you in everything, why should you sleep with him especially when you know he might be sharing the same intimacy with someone else in some few hours time? It is this bad; I know guys who confide in me and say that they are also doing the ladies a favor because everyone has got the “itch” they need someone else to “scratch”. What itch? What scratch? Sometimes they talk with such frankness that I feel like I am missing out on something very fantastic. It is even like people forget about STDs or the all-encompassing AIDS these days and don’t you dare mention condoms to me because I’ve been told that guys find condoms a barrier to the real utmost pleasure. During that heat period, most people forget {purposefully} to protect themselves, even still protection is not a full guarantee.

Guys find it too stressful to do the usual gentlemanly thing by having just one partner in their lives and the saddening fact is that ladies have resorted to doing the same just to spite the men. How do you sleep with a guy who does not get to call you the next day just to check up on you? How do you feel when you know he is having it on with someone else? How do you recover when you see that person? How do you cope when you know he only calls you when he has got the infamous itch? Where is your dignity? Because even though guys equate dignity with pride, they like it in a woman. Truthfully, Friends With Benefits is really Friends Without Brains!

Craving for ephemeral moments of pleasure at the expense of something more beautiful in the future is an epic mistake. Since you are friends with other mutual friends, you could cause some serious pains, regret, hatred and loss. Some people say it just happened, yeah, sometimes friends with benefits just crops up but when you know you have feelings for someone , try not to put yourself in a compromising cleft stick especially when you have no self-control. If you really cherish that friendship, you will not want to jeopardize it because trust me, things will never ever be the same after going all the way. Personally, I think it is very disrespectful and condescending when a guy assumes he is deserving of passionate reception from you without wanting to do the right thing.

Friends Without Brains is just wrong, so wrong, you guys just lose respect for each other after the sordid act and more importantly lose the enduring impact you could have made in one another’s lives. Ladies, please up your status, you are no means of release for rabid guys and stop encouraging our men to be irresponsible. As for you guys, well, you always start everything, so we will keep hoping. Ish!!!
Your comments are duly appreciated!

The Ideal Men Are Not Yet Born

I will try as much as possible not to be too opinionated in writing this piece because naturally, most guys will be quick to change the "men" for "women" in reprisal to the above topic. Mulling over my experiences with men, one question that readily comes to mind is “What exactly is wrong with you all?” and it is directed at every Homo sapiens with overflowing testosterone. I will not limit this scribble to personal experiences but will make it vast by alluding to other people’s love lives as well. Having listened to the bawling of my numerous lady friends and worse still, my enemies, the compulsion to elicit a response from guys to the aforementioned question is hereby vehemently expressed.

These days, it seems like a savoury relationship between a man and a woman is no longer feasible and will be almost eternally unachievable. I’ve seen promising relationships fall into flakes just because people no longer fully understand the true meaning of love and take one another for granted. I have often times resolve to remain single forever and tell people who ask me for advice that maybe we are all better off without love but this is annoyingly impossible. Most guys find you more alluring when you are warding them off, they are like flies, and they always get the wrong signals. Moreover, what would this world be without men? Much to my chagrin, i do not want to find out.

Touching on my previous question, it’s really pathetic to be a witness to how low most of our single guys can stoop to in the modern definition of love. I’ve been appalled so many times by the extensive repulsing experiences of this age and the shallow men of today. Not that we ladies don’t have foibles but I believe that men are now more vulgar than women when it comes to the sacred feeling of love. Simply put, Love is now Gold dust.

A friend of mine has given up the prospect of ever finding true love because of the harrowing knowledge that she has of men’s ways. She has decided to be fickle and has adopted the motto, “enjoy it while it lasts” after so many failed relationships. In my case, I can’t adopt her misguided maxim because of who I am, which I love by the way. Her love life (if it can be called that anymore) can be quite amusing, as she seems happy lying to and manipulating guys who now swarm around her in hordes. So I wonder if this is what the men of today want, I really hope not. Being in a relationship is harder and more strenuous than the bar exam that it’s no longer something I would advise anyone to dabble into.

If there’s something I abhor, it’s meeting a guy and the first or only thing he does is to relate with me on face value. What I mean is that, naturally, a guy is initially attracted to a woman because of what he sees but the sin here is when he does not want to see any further than the physical. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’ve lost count of guys I have met who don’t even know me before they start talking about carnal intimacy and I’m not even that easy to talk to. I once met this guy who seemed nice but within a week (actually after a day) was boldly asking where I like to have sex and what styles I liked. I got upset and he told me poker-faced that he was just asking me something natural. It’s funny that guys so often lack gumption, that they use the same inane lingua or slang when they are in a cleft stick. When ladies object to anything lascivious proposed by guys, they use these options; “it’s natural”, “it’s no big deal”, “you are a big girl now”, “come on, let’s just have some fun”, “I thought you were mature” and the list is endless.

It makes you wonder if all the values and ethics of intimacy have been totally expunged from the rule of love. Most guys don’t even want love this days, 85% of our men are only interested in carnal activities. When they are asked why, they say they’ve been heart-broken too many times to ever try loving again while we the female folks say they broke ours, who is really guilty here?

I admit that I’ve had to let go of so many guys I liked just because they failed to see beyond endowments and superficial features. I am however, not fazed though because as they go, so they also come. So many guys are already done with women they should just be getting started with. I really wish most men (you know yourselves) could really take their time to appreciate the ladies beyond our physical outlook and focus more on the innate values. We, the ladies will continue to be hopeful because we know some of you are close to being ideal and some of you can still be salvaged from this century decay. (This article was inspired by a promiscuous lowlife, feel free to render your perspectives).

When The Flesh Fails You

Remember that day you went on a date or a visit and it was supposed to be just a movie, dinner, talk, window shopping, dance and other trivial stuffs but suddenly the last thing you remember is the zipping down and the zipping up. Ya'all know what i'm talking about, right? Many people have been in situations that they come out of saying "what did i just do?", "what was i thinking?", "God, i feel like killing myself", "O.M.G. I should have controlled myself more!". In most cases, however, you walked into the scene level-headed, thinking you've got everything under control, but eventually, you come out of it all flummoxed especially after doing something stupidly impulsive. The most drastic and shameful case would be having coitus with someone you didnt plan to have it with or someone who was just too darn sexy for you to resist that your self control turned into self expression. This case is where this phrase was coined "when your heart says no but your body says YES!". I'm pretty certain we have all found ourselves in fantastic places where our bodies helplessly say, scream and shout, YES! YES! YES!. Do you ever ask yourself why this happens? Well, let me educate you, lol. As if.


Have you ever heard of PHEROMONE? If you look it up in the Oxford Dictionary, it is ascribed to animal attraction. Fortunately or unfortunately, this kind of hormone is also secreted by humans. It is a sex enhancing secretion, odourless, unseen, undetectable but strong. No matter how much self control you have got, as long as you have blood pumping in your veins, my friends, ye shall loseth yourself. My experience with pheromone, hmmm.....let's see....no comments! Pheromone is that which makes you get down when you are supposed to stay up. It makes you lose yourself and sometimes your dignity, control, principles, inhibitions and values. It however, encourages your lust, fantasies, fetishes, desires and moments of indulgence. What i hate about pheromone is that it does not include memory loss. After it inspires you to commit those acts that makes you wish for a time machine later, it keeps refreshing your memory. You will remember every ounce of the kissing, touching, licking, caressing, moaning, intensity and yes "the poking". Ladies, pheromone is what drives you crazy when you are making out with a guy and you throw all caution to the wind. In some cases, when the guy is moving too slow, it is what makes you want to slap him real hard and scream "just get to it already, damn it!". As for the guys, do you even need pheromone to get your freak on with anybody, anytime, anyday? With or without pheromone, you are always ready for action! This orgiastic (from orgy) pheromone has caused so many emotional complications and regrets, most especially because it comes as an overwhelming rush and then subsides without warning. Note: it only subsides after the climax of your act. It's not like taking marijuana, indian hemp, cocain, LSD or any other hallucinogenics, pheromone is a natural high.


If you have read my previous articles, you should know by now that it's never wholesome without allusions to friends' or personal experiences, so here goes: A good friend of mine met this guy in the course of work. Man meets woman, so there was the normal chemistry, the stolen glances, secret smiles, notice me, discovering of mutual interests, gentle touches, which all led to the midnight calls and the incessant "when will i see you again?". Finally, she agreed to go to his crib (oh sorry, his slaughter house). This was the first time they were both going to be in an enclosed space or room with no other person present, so one would expect some degree of decency and shyness from both parties. Whatever. After listening to the first line of a song within a fraction of a minute, they started tearing at each other and oh YES! they got down to it, they did the deed! Some hours later, she had to leave (no, he did not ask her to stay overnight, boohoohoo!). She later felt insecure and remorseful but kept reassuring herself that this could be the spark of a beautiful passionate relationship.


Dear readers, my beautiful girlfriend is still waiting for his call, flash, text or better yet his "please call me". This is like four months after the event but she is too ashamed to confront him, Psheeeew! Girlfriend aint like me, lol. It's quite saddening because she still talks about the guy till date as she says "he had everything i ever wanted in a guy, the right height, the eloquence, lovely taste in music, movies, he even has his own car, apartment and is he endowed or what?". Correct me if I am wrong but if not for the excessive explosion of the notorious pheromone, that lascivious ingrate of a guy will still be calling her up with libidinous enthusiasm. Why do you guys always do that? Why do you chase after someone so fervently for so long, only to get them and dump them? Is the thrill only in the chase? Why are you so frigging fickle? Anyway that's another stress for another write-up. Seriously cant wait.

More so, this does not mean you can blame pheromone for every single deplorable engagement you get yourself caught up in. These are the things i loathe about pheromone; the flesh takes over the head and the heart, only the guys benefit from it, it does not lead to or improve relationships, it is not existent in marriage (just check out the rate of adultery and divorce), it makes us lose potential husbands or wives, it makes you insane for a while and most importantly, it does not cause memory loss, you have to live with the memory, usually a guilty one, for a long period of time. On the other hand, Scientists have gathered from researches that pheromone has a good side to it. You know what they say that all disadvantages have advantages and vice versa. It has been discovered that pheromone has the benefits of making one feel high and excited, it is also a form of release and purge from stress or pressure, it brings a feeling of refreshment, it increases fertility in women for reproduction (well, for obvious reasons) then the one i think is most reasonable, it makes headaches go away. Oh yes! When you have headache, especially those of you with seasonal migraines, just find someone to kiss because the pheromone released from the act of kissing makes the headache disappear. Poof!. Have i tried it? Hmmm....another write up for another day lol. Which reminds me of something. I once told a male colleague that pheromone from kissing clears away headaches, so whenever i said i've got an headache the next thing he says is "can i help you out?" with a coy smile. Guys!


So peeps, quit asking yourselves what led you to do "IT", it's quite simple, it's the flesh, will and pheromone. If you finish reading, please help me confirm if kissing truly take headaches go away. The stress in Lagos is just too much and i usually get this persistent banging and clanging in my head from the strenuous nature of everyday study and work. Just dont do it with someone with chronic halitosis, i'm sure that will only turn the headache into stomachache or another ailment needing minor surgery. I'm anticipating your results!