UGLY THEN, BEAUTIFUL TODAY

Many girls in Nigeria do not look the way they used to look five years ago, back in Secondary school or before they found the knowledge of make-up and skin transformation. Most of them have changed drastically, they may be posher, tusher and more classy than what they used to look like before and like one of my friends will say, they begin to act like they do not take a dump at all.You would see a beautiful mature lady today and if someone tells you it was the same girl that used to run around your neighbourhood covered with dirt and wearing only a flimsy pant to play in the mud, you would hardly believe they are the same person you are looking at today. We girls are perfect at redefining ourselves, we would rebrand ourselves so many times that the only original thing about us would be our names. We do not change our names because we wish to travel out some day and if our documents do not tally at the Visa Office, it is back to Lagos Island.

Lil Kim, before she went under the knife and after she attained artificial beauty

A comedian once said that girls are the greatest liars as they would paint their faces with make-up to look flawless, wear high heels to seem taller, wear long hair weaves to look exotic, fix acrylic nails to look well-groomed and will never reveal their true self. Another person said women only reveal their true self after you have married them, then they discard the heels, the weaves, the nails and other artificial features, then the man begins to go through the wedding album to check if he is still married to the same person he proposed to. Some men may have woken up in the middle of the night screaming because they thought they saw another guy sleeping next to them, only to find out it was only the wife not wearing makeup. Some guys never saw what their wives looked like early in the morning until they became their wives.

I read a crazy story recently about a man who sued his wife for giving birth to an ugly child. At first, I was bemused and angry at the man because it is not the wife but God who molds a child so why would the man hold the wife responsible for what the child looked like? But after reading the story further, I began to laugh. The man's point was that he was very sure the child was not his because he was handsome and he also married a beautiful woman which means they can never produce anything hideous. This theory is not actually true, there are some parents who are downright gorgeous but give birth to children who may not initially be pleasant to look at but grow up to be absolutely breathtaking while there are also some parents who are no oil painting but give birth to children who win beauty contests! If you do not believe me, google Beyonce's father.

The man whose wife gave birth to an ugly child sued his wife for $120,000 and claimed that the baby can never be from his sperm. However, after some investigations, it was confirmed that the baby was his BUT there was finally a resolution of what seemed to be the problem. Apparently, the wife had undergone several plastic surgery before she met the man! Meaning, the wife was actually an ugly person who had altered her original looks before she met her husband, but when she delivered a child, her baby inherited her formal looks and strong genes! Odeshi! The baby came out looking exactly like his "original mother" before she went under the knife so plastic surgeons can sculpt her into an artificial beauty. Long story cut short, the husband won the case o! The court awarded the husband the sum of $120,000 because according to the law, the husband was defrauded by the wife.

This is the lady, can you believe the transformation?!! I would sue her too!

So all those girls who bleach their skins, who get boob jobs, nose jobs, face lifts, hips enlargement, butt injections and other body enhancement procedures, your children will open your yansh in public when they eventually come into the world. If only we can just love ourselves the way God created us but we always want more, what we forget is that even the Most Beautiful Woman in the World is not the most beautiful woman. So some very beautiful girls already getting married today may give birth to children who look like the Landlord and will make the husband very suspicious, na God catch all those men who too like fine girls only. lmao!

AFTER A BAD BREAKUP

We have all gone through various break-ups in our lives as it is sometimes necessary for us to learn the hard way and avoid mistakes in the future. Some break-ups can not even be called one because we were just fooling around while some are very serious because we invested a lot in it or it went on for years or our ex-es had been introduced to all our friends or we were truly madly deeply in love. Some break-ups are downright nasty, well, most break-ups are nasty but there are some couples who try to separate amicably. Memories do not fade quickly but will continue to linger like a wicked mother-in-law.

Oh boy!

When you break-up with someone you truly love, you occasionally get mood swings most especially when someone mentions your ex-es name, your heart constantly palpitates at a rate that becomes unbearable, you walk around as if you are gliding, you keep holding back tears, you keep hating on other couples when you sight them and when you watch a movie where scenes remind you of the one you love, that's when you cry in the sanctity of your home where no one can see your tears.

We may not know this but crying actually helps during a break-up but it could also lead to severe depression, you can cry but do not dwell in your sorrows. When you cry, it is a form of catharsis, a release that can help alleviate the pain you are feeling. Some people, like me, who see themselves as the strong ones in relationships usually do not want to cry after a break-up and this only aggravates the heart ache. When we eventually cry even as we are doing shakara and not picking up the calls of the Ex, we find out that we gradually become better. If some things are not meant to be, there is just so much crying you can do.

Break-ups can change us. They can make us stronger or weaker. Some people go through a break-up and end up loosening up their guard. They begin to think, maybe I was too uptight in that previous relationship so it did not work out so now I'll let go of all my principles. Some people who were naturally happy-go-lucky suddenly become sadistic and mean in their new relationship after they have gone through a very bad breakup. Others who may be previously trusting will become unnecessarily suspicious to the detriment of any budding relationship. Some who bring people into their close circles may now become very cagey and you can never get close to their heart once it has been broken.

We all handle break-ups in different ways. A particular person on my mind today is Katy Perry, the American recording artist who sang the famous songs "Fireworks" and "Wide Awake". Although, what she went through was a more complicated divorce from the shaggy British Russel Brand, she does not seem to be handling her personal life the way she would have, had she not been married to the sleazebag. After her divorce, the person Katy Perry was connected to is the big-mouthed and puerile John Mayer, the guy who sang "Your body is a wonderland". My point here is some people handle break-ups by settling for less in their next relationship. You should not enter into a new relationship when you are still hurting, no matter how much comfort someone may seem to offer, most of the time, they will be taking advantage of your fragile emotions. You can test the waters but do not fully commit, give yourself some time so you would be making wrong decisions all the time. You are like a vulnerable child at this point.

Katy Perry with John Mayer, she's happy.....for now

So about Katy Perry's choice, John Mayer. This guy is known for one thing, having a loud mouth and being a dirt bag. You know one of those guys who are sleek talkers, have charming personalities but can never keep their mouths shut especially about who they have slept with. Outside that, John Mayer has dated a string of female celebrities, mostly after they have just broken up with their partners. So this guy is the perfect kind of guy that men hate for dating their Ex-es and women hate because he would reveal personal things about them to the press. John Mayer has dated Jennifer Aniston, Taylor Swift, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Cameron Diaz (when she split from Justin Timberlake), Rashida Jones, Kim Kardashian (he's really crazy, I tell ya) Jessica Simpson, MIiey Cyrus (child abuse), Minka Kelly, tired of typing all their names, finger fatigue. Surely, Katy Perry knows about his frivolous pasts and her friends must have expressed their disapproval of John Mayer but because right now, she needs someone in her very busy life, she is actually settling for less. People around her said Katy Perry does not trust the guy one bit but yet, she sticks with him, how sad is that?

Break-ups should not break us, it should make us stronger. Being strong will make us bump into our Ex-es and greet them like long lost friends which they truly are as most of our Ex-es are our close friends before they became our lovers. Our Ex-es should see us and say "wow, you really have upgraded" not "damn, I did a number on him, look at his life, heya". My personal maxim is to make them cringe with jealousy as soon as they sight me with my new man. Every new relationship after a confirmed break-up whether bad or amicable should be a step up not a degeneration. Life goes on, so cheer up!!!

JAMES BOND'S SKYFALL

Daniel Craig, the reigning Bond man

There will be a Pre-release of the newest James Bond movie called SkyFall on November 1st 2012 at Ozone Cinemas. Tickets are already on sale so you have to beat the crowd to it. There will be many freebies, food, drinks and other refreshment by the Charvet Group product, KissMix. The movie promises to be exciting as people who heard about it have started buying tickets.

The James Bond Franchise with Daniel Craig started with Casino Royale, the second installment was Quantum of Solace and now the freshest of them is SkyFall. For those of you who love Adele, the Grammy Award winning singer, she is also featured on the soundtrack of the movie, so this is a total package! See you there!

HAS TU-FACE SCORED AGAIN?

Annie Macaulay, TuFace's significant other

Annie Macaulay, the one who finally got TuFace Idibia among stiff competition, the one who got the cake icing and who won the heart of Nigeria's popular crooner may be pregnant again. A new photo of her showed a very suspicious bump under her gown and it may be a new creation from all-fertile TuFace about to walk among us again. I'm not very surprised that she may have a bun in the oven as she and TuFace are newly-weds so they must have been at it like rabid dogs. BUT for TuFace to have scored again? I just believe TuFace has been oblivious to a particular calling that may further improve his career. He should start a sperm bank. Seriously, do you people know how many women are looking for a child out there? Instead of these women to keep sleeping with babalawo, their randy pastors or ingest different concoction, they would choose wisely and sign up for TuFace's seed. I think they will get more from this, a famous child, a handsome or beautiful baby and this is more guaranteed as their promiscuous pastors and babalawos hardly deliver but TuFace's sperm is like 007, it dodges all contraceptives. Just kidding. If Annie is pregnant again, congrats to the couple and don't you just love that TuFace's new song Ihe Neme? Tight!

KAREN IGHO

This Nigerian Lady used to be a source of amusement for me as the first time I ever saw her name in the media, it was because she was one of the few ladies in Nigeria to have done a boob augmentation. I thought she was very silly and spoilt, how many girls in Nigeria do you see everyday with flat chest? Plenty! I saw her as stupid too when I found out the cost of the boob job, it was a whooping #1million. For someone who is occasionally prudent, I was properly pissed off.

I wonder if her butt is real too, I would really like to know.

It was recently I came upon an article that delved into Karen's background and I began to understand where she was coming from. You see, most of us are very quick to judge when we are looking in from outside but when we take time to get to know someone, you begin to see that there is a method to their madness. Karen has been through a lot. She has been through what most Nigerian girls see just a fraction of and use as an excuse to date their grandfathers who may end up using them for rituals. Karen has been through domestic abuse in a previous marriage, she was a runaway, she was once a stripper and has done so many colourful things to survive.

The beauty of this lady is the fact that she was able to drag herself out of all the filth and make a name for herself today. She defiled all odds and made herself a celebrity to those who would have spat in her face in her previous life. I may not admire her methods but I do admire her spirit.

Recent news say she has just had her computer hacked and there may be sensitive pictures to be released to the public. I say, let them bring it, what have we not seen? It will help boost her already amplified image. It will even help me find out if her backside is real because we keep arguing that she is all plastic. Most girls say so because Karen has a close-to-perfect shape. Big boobs, tiny waist and shoot-out butt. It is the butt I have a problem with as it reminds me of this particular cartoon character. So Hackers, hark unto my voice and hack out those pictures already!

JESSICA SIMPSON'S DAD IS GAY!!!

Jessica Simpson (m) with her parents, Joe & Tina Simpson

Yesterday, we heard some news from the house of Jessica Simpson, the American recording artist, fashion designer and reality television star. Her mother Tina Simpson is filing for a divorce from her husband, Joe Simpson and their representatives have stressed that there was no third party involved in making this decision. However, today, after it has been said that they were no scandals of an affair at all, it has been reported that Jessica Simpson's father has confessed that he swings for the other party. How can a man spend over 30 years of marriage with a woman, become a father, walk his daughters down the aisle and suddenly find out that he has been entering the wrong hole all his life? It makes you wonder how many married men are suffering from whatever Joe Simpson has. He must have been living in an emotional prison all his life then. Is it possible for a man to share a life with a woman this long and find out that he is gay? Please share your thoughts, thanks!  

VIAGRA MALARIA

Sex is supposed to be consensual. Consensual means it involves more than one person who agree to do the act, usually a male and a female. Although, in the modern world, the coitus between a male and a female is not the only kind of sex that exists, there is male and male, male and animal, animal and female, male and object, female and object, oh yes, we live in a crazy world.

The kind of sex I'm familiar with is the conventional sex, which is between a man and a woman. Sex is what these two genders should mutually enjoy. However, it has been said that most women have to ride a long "journey" before they reach orgasm as something called the "G-spot" in women's vaginas is very hard to find and most men who are lucky to find it have a mischievous curve on their equipment, lol. So, this is why we have cases of "one minute man", when a man reaches his final destination and the woman is just about to put the key in the ignition meaning she has not even started the car yet. Some people say men enjoy sex more because when they ejaculate, it shows a sign of satisfaction, absolute orgasm and gratification. Others say women enjoy it more especially without condom, hmmm, I think everyone enjoys this one. We all enjoy those things that will get us into serious trouble.

She's definitely faking it, isn't she?

So it takes a lot to satisfy some women in bed as you have to work some women up, kiss them, do serious foreplay, caress, stroke and even perform sleight of hand before they can reach sexual pinnacle. I've heard cases of some men throwing themselves on their partners and going straight for the honeypot, well, I can assure you that women do not like that. This is why some women find certain men boring in bed as there is no performance at all, it is in the foreplay aside from the main sexual ride that you show how creative you can be and how wild your imagination can get. But then again, foreplay should not always be the man's job but how can the women take over when you guys start everything all the time?

Many women have confessed that they have not experienced orgasm and a large percentage of this women are those who are sexually experienced, mostly married women. These women have to live with having sex like it is a boring routine and they just lie there thinking "just get it over with". This brings me to my topic of the day. Is the world itself sexist? Is the world misogynist? If not, why would there be a recreational sexual drug specially created to enhance men's performance in bed and there has not been a drug that can either assist women to reach orgasm like men or at least a drug that helps men to locate the G-spot before they ejaculate?!

The drug called Viagra is designed to be ingested by men in order to make hot blood rush into their organs so they can demonstrate like wild animals in bed. But sex was not created to be enjoyed by the men folk alone, there should be a female viagra so that two can play! How can a guy be feeling like a god in bed, making the woman think she is a bore and sometimes even with all the drug use, the man does not even hit the G-spot after all! Pscchew! This is so unfair! They say men need Viagra because of erectile dysfunction, well, then women should have a drug for orgasm misplacement!

An outcry against Viagra now is that it is a great contributor to the dissolution of many marriages. This is because the use of viagra is rampant among the elderly men. Think about it, say Daddy is 66 years old and Mummy is 52, I do not think their ages should mean the end of their sex lives. Whatever it is they have been doing, let them continue to do it. But because Daddy has found the miracle of viagra and Mummy does not have the stamina to withstand the incessant horniness of Daddy which is the effect of viagra, Daddy goes out to look for a younger peperempe! How many of us have had to watch Daddies leave their wives at home to go and gallivant about town in the arms of school girls? Ehn? Did you guys hear about Danny Devito's divorce? The dwarfish American Actor divorced his wife, Rhea Perlman of 30 years?  He was married to a woman he has known all his life and after three decades together, he just lost interest? What else could be the cause? The divorce is very viagra-ish.  

Hugh Hefner, 86 years old Chief Creative Officer of Playboy Enterprise and Poster boy for Viagra

A guest on the popular Wendy Williams show said that viagra is like the major drug in the elderly people's homes in the U.S these days because it gives the old men invented energy to perform like they did in their heydays. I just think it is wrong, why does anything sexual always favour the men first? We women should be able to relive our youth too when we grow older, a drug should also be created for our sex lives to enable us take on young men for "pleasurization", then everyone will be happy!

Is it not unfair that women do not have anything to resort to? Why should there be a drug that improves men's sexual activities and there has been none for women so far? Do you not think that women should have a sex-enhancing drug too? If V is for viagra and vagina, women should have some sex miracle drugs called "Diagra" or "Piagra" too? . I think we all know what the D and P in Diagra and Piagra stands for.

BOOZE, BOTTLES, BEER

I've never really understood the reason people get so drunk and exhibit unruly behaviour in public. Growing up in a Christian home, I never witnessed the result of drinking to stupor, if there is one credit I give my father, it is the fact that he never came home drunk to slap anybody around. So there was no exposure to the inebriated side of life at all. Some of my friends have said that in their formative years, they had uncles who were drunks, brothers who were winos, fathers who could not have a meal without getting high first and they themselves began to drain the beer bottles right from childhood and through this persistent situations, my friends were all familiar with the alcoholic way of life.

People who are never sober these days have different reasons for finding solace in the arms of beer bottles. Some have said it is to drown their sorrows, some take alcohol to forget pressing issues, some take alcohol as a means of release or escape and weirdly, some have said they get the best inspiration for successful projects while they are completely wasted.

There were so many Do's and Don'ts that surrounded my life while growing up and as these rules helped me to live a sheltered life, they also contributed to the fact that I began to stumble on things I should have known as a teenager only when I became an adult. In our home, Sex was not discussed, it was never touched on, it was seriously avoided and was considered a thing of darkness. Alcohol was non-existent. Smoking was not even an issue, it gave my dear mother serious catarrh just by walking pass any bar.

Can you see where the word "fun" points to?

So finally, I tasted alcohol after gaining emancipation from my parents, (this actually means when I began to suffer to pay rent for myself) which brings me to the nub of today's post. My experience when I was high was that of an out-of-body experience as I saw things from another perspective which is not giving two hoots about so many things that bothered me on a normal day. My inhibitions dropped, there was absolutely no guard at all and my sense of what is right or wrong was very faint. At this point, I would say "yes" to anything but thankfully I was indoors so the "yes-es" I said were not very damaging. Truly, alcohol frees the soul. But we all know better.

Best place to sleep in

 This made me think of girls who go clubbing and get seriously wasted. At this point, they are with total strangers, new acquaintances, admirers, sugar daddies or mostly those kind of crowd who probably do not have their best interests at heart, those who need just one thing from them. In this state, girls who are drunk are very submissive because their right-thinking mind has become warped and they would do things they would not do naturally. I once saw a girl in a famous Lagos Club displaying from the effects of strong alcohol, she was with some guys who had initially approached me to go home with them after showing me some wads of serious cash. This girl jumped on top of the glass table in the club and started dancing, twisting, weaving and before we all knew it, she tripped on spilled drink on the table and could not get up. She had to be dragged off the table by the notorious money-brandishing guys who later took her home or wherever it was they went to "slaughter the chicken". God knows what kind of "KarmaSutra" exercises they will make her perform from that night till the break of dawn.

 I've heard stories of girls who lost their virginities after a night of revelry, not because they chose to but alcohol had repressed the side of their brain that makes them cautious. Some people drink and their true nature comes out, some drink and become wild, some drink and become mean, some drink and it looses their tongue, some drink and will divulge top secrets, some drink and become horny. Alcohol can even change one's original personality, a quiet person can immediately become loud, a shy person can quickly become outspoken and become the source of amusement for their friends.

Recently, I read a story of a young lady who had kept her virginity for 22 years, hoping to remain chaste until marriage but in one night of drunkenness lost it to a classmate on the beach. She said that the classmate was not even someone she was friendly with back at school but imagine this, she will remember the guy for the rest of her life. Maybe there's a girl out there who has forgotten who popped her cherry but there are very few, no one forgets this experience completely.

I like this one, lol

  Some people go to the club to party and after a wild night, they wake up next to a total stranger with no recollection of what has transpired. Here's the side of alcohol I may like a little, the amnesia. What I experienced after drinking was a total lack of coherence and cognitive memory which is very relieving as the remembrance of drunken behaviour can be very embarrassing. I'm sure there are some people who cannot even remember who they had coitus with on a drunken night. Selective forgetfulness.

Some friends get angry when their friends get zonked out from alcohol especially if it is after one bottle, one glass or two bottles. Different people have different level of tolerance from alcoholic intoxication, apparently those with a higher level of tolerance perceive themselves as superior being. These superior drunks would insult those who are categorized into the "lightheaded" group and call them "party-poopers". They wish to drink with those who are capable of beating them at canceling 100 bottles with no sign of being smashed at all.

Another observation of mine is that the consumption of alcohol is a descent into self-indulgence as the more you take in, the better you "think" you feel. There is also the consequence of bodily harm to consider which is the damaging of the liver as excessive alcohol is very toxic to this liver. People argue that the in-take of alcohol is not so bad but it is the excessive consumption of it that has adverse effects. I also know this is such a controversial post as many fun-loving girls will not agree with me but will still go out to party hard and drink even harder. Girls, let's be careful how we chug brews especially if you are one of those girls who always act like they can handle their alcohol even though they are such light weights because there will always be scavengers out there who will do unexpected things to you. One mistake in one night can change our entire lives forever and this applies to both sexes. Thank you!

MY BOOTY, MY DIGNITY

Women have always found ways to make themselves appear more attractive each century, please note that I did not use the word "beautiful" because there is a vast difference between these two adjectives. They can spend all they have to ensure that they are the cynosure of all eyes as soon as they walk into a room and will almost spit on any other person that draws more attention. Even in the fairy tale world, Snow White's step-mother in her old age wanted to compete with the young, nubile and beautiful Snow White at all cost.

Over the years, scientists, Doctors and the pharmaceutical world have taken advantage of this obsession with perfect appearances for which most women yearn. These Doctors would coddle women and enable them in their quest to remain ageless, to defy gravity and battle nature.

We now live in a world where people who are not satisfied with the way they look can quickly find a solution to it. There are so many procedures as there are different body parts and people continue to strive to do God's work on earth but we all know God's works never have repercussions. His works are perfect already, which means that every single person being God's handwork, is already a vision of perfection.

The various procedure human beings have resorted to now include breast augmentation, buttocks injection, botox injection, facelift, chin lift, jaw adjustment, hair transplant, skin lightening injection and endless body parts treatment. The plastic surgeons in the world are yet to find something to do about height enhancement as Lil'Kim, the American Rapper would have done this process already but we hear the Asians are working on this particular procedure. Fingers crossed.

Our celebrities are now famous for having had different kinds of surgical procedures on their body parts and as most of us live vicariously through them, we begin to feel it may be alright to change what is meant to be. Some enhanced body parts of some celebrities are even more popular than the celebrities themselves e.g Pamela Anderson.

What is really appalling about these plastic surgeries and body enhancements is that sometimes, it only makes matters worse. There would be a perfect human being who went under the knife and came out looking like a walking dead who has been programmed to act human. Some people cannot even smile or blink after these procedures because they have extended the limit of stretching their skin and all these will not cease as plastic surgeons will continue to look for gullible lab rats.

The plastic surgery and body enhancement business is now very lucrative that people who are not certified to inject or administer treatment are going underground to set up their own business and make a livelihood. There was a woman in the U.S who was arrested after injecting other women with a particular substance that was later found out to be cement.

Another occurrence was about a woman who lost her limb in the process of enhancing her backside. She had been teased all her life that she had a flat booty and she decided to get her bumbum magnified. Some people can be very hurt when you tease them about their body parts, calling them butter face, planet nose, flat ass, flat face or using some of their flawed features to make them feel bad. This particular woman actually saved up money, as in, she did not spend her money lavishly but amassed it for a period of time just to get the procedure done. If only she had known that would be the end of  living the already normal life she was blessed with. She began to feel intense pain in her butt after she was injected by a so-called doctor and whatever chemical  that was injected into her backside began to solidify and darken her skin. It was too late by the time she decided to do something about it and they had to amputate her legs to save her life.

All men can stare for only 2 seconds or they get pink eye!

This woman who lost her legs lived to narrate her ordeal and maybe convince others who want to get stupid to change their minds but some ladies have not been this "lucky". There was a Nigerian chick who resided in the UK and whose life ambition was to become a video vixen. Can you believe that? A video vixen who would lick her mouth, shake her butt, jiggle her boobs, touch herself and get smooched in music video for the world to see. Guess who her idol or mentor was? Nicki Minaj. So she decided to get a look alike butt exactly like Nicki's. Long story cut short, she is no longer among the living today.

Another thing about women is that we feel we can go ahead with a procedure once we see others that have undergone the treatments. Truth is, what works for Tiffany may not work for Rukayat. The woman who had her legs amputated was unfortunate, so many ladies in the United States and all over the world have had butt injections, some even more than once. Some people even have addictions to butt injections. Some people who heard about her sad situation exclaimed that she should have gone to Brazil for the procedure like it makes any difference.

Talking about women all over the world who now have bigger butts th an their brains, this reminds me of Kanye West and 2Chainz video "Birthday Song". The song was a celebration of women with enhanced body parts and wanting a booty call as a birthday gift, so naturally the music video featured some seriously endowed women. One annoying thing about America is that a man can just sit in his room and order for a particular kind of woman he wishes to shag, like he is ordering an exotic dish. You can find women of different races, heights, sizes and other dimensions in that country. Anyways, there was a particular girl in the Birthday Song video that was very tiny but it was obvious she had patronized the infamous butt injection and one cannot help but notice how big her head was, how small her waist was and her butt appeared to drop to her toes. This was apparently because her body frame was not meant for such a burden!

Some people have argued that plastic surgery is not so unconventional as it may be necessary in certain situations. Yeah, for those who have been deformed by the atrocities of the world, for them to live a normal life not a vain one. Women argue to do liposuction after birth, Mariah Carey was rumored to have done liposuction immediately after her delivery of twins which resulted in her not being immediately released from the hospital. So Sure this was why we saw her revealing her mid-riff in the music video "Triumphant" with Rick Ross and Meek Mill. Imagine other women in Nigeria who have just given birth and happen to watch the superstar's music video, will they not begin to save money for liposuction too?


We are all tempted everyday by what we see, what we hear and the promises of mischievous science but you know what? We cannot wait to see Nicki Minaj at 73 years old. This butt thing is still novel. We have not seen an elderly woman who had her butt titanicized! Not yet For we would like to see how she climbs the staircase with a trailer on her back. Every single time, Nicki Minaj turns her back on television, she raises the blood pressure of some red-blooded men and gives some women major bouts of depression.

We should all accept the fact that looks do not last forever, we are all meant to sag, fade or wither someday. Yes, it is so difficult to accept this but it is just the natural order of life.

A NEW DAY

Hello everyone, I have not had the time to write on this blog for over 9 months. If I were pregnant at the time I started to publish on this blog, I would have put to bed by now, lol. So many things have happened since the last time I put down a piece here but I thank God for the beautiful gift of life.

I want to return to my love of writing down my thoughts, there was a time writing was part and parcel of my being but alas! the pursuit of money in the achievement of a more comfortable life have almost deprived me of my creativity. Another story for another day.

I have to make a commitment to publish at least one piece in one day, may God Almighty help me. It's not easy, especially as I'm not making #600,000 per month on a blog like my blog mentor, Linda Ikeji.



I and the beautiful blogger, Linda Ikeji

Another reason I wanted to start writing again is because I wish to make a cogent point. Although a blog is supposed to be a platform for a writer's opinion, it should not be used to disparage people or to pass judgment on others. It only shows how low one can stoop when you begin to use this medium to hurt people especially those you call your friends. This is why I would use this blog to impact people's lives positively. How I would do this, I have absolutely no idea but I've never backed away from a challenge.

Anyways, this urge to write on my blog was very sudden, quite unexpected and I'm actually at work with so many assignments stacked on me.

I want to make a little comment about the Aluu4. I remember the day I saw the savage video of the merciless killing of such young lives. I was in such a good mood when I was shown the clip and i recall that i began to seethe and vibrate in anger at the brutal end of these young boys all because of some misunderstanding. An image from the video that proved indelible was the part where one of the boys was lying helpless on the ground and a man struck him hard on the nose with a log, then the boy stopped moving after so much blood gushed out of his nose. Even real thieves do not die this kind of death. Four promising lives snuffed out like festive chicken. So sad. May their souls find the peace they could not find on earth in the land beyond.

I have so many things to say but a little part in my mind keeps reminding me that I should be sending out proposals by this time so I can meet this year's target and I keep reminding myself that I have worked hard enough, I cannot die now.

I also remember the death of Cynthia, the young lady who was drugged, raped then murdered by a group of men. Here's another unpleasant news that shook me, most especially because of the means through which she met her murderers, Facebook. When I heard this news, I remembered I had over 4,000 friends on Facebook, some of them I've met, some I ran into by accident, some I have become close friends with, some I have kept in touch with over the years.

I began to wonder if all these my friends were normal people, I recalled that some of them were so persistent about meeting me and I would usually turn them down because naturally, I felt they wanted something I couldn't give to them and the bi-sexual ladies are included here. One thing my mother taught me was that in life, if you seek to get things that are free, things you have not worked for, you may meet your untimely death or end because people even wish to snatch those things you have worked hard for in life. If this young lady had not been chuffed to get on that free airplane ride, she would still be strutting her stuff today. But then, we ladies love free stuffs, myself included, I mean, who doesn't? This, however, is no reason for those guys to descend into beasts and take advantage of the beautiful lady. May her soul rest in peace.

Okay! Enough of the sad news, good things have also happened so far. But why do I strain to remember them? Someone once said bad news travel fast, I think, they also linger more. If any good news comes to mind about the environment, the nation, your lives, this should be the comment for this newly-written post.

May God bless us and keep us all! Amen.

WHEN YOU HATE YOURSELF

If you were asked if the person in the picture above is a man or a woman, what would your answer be? Well, if your answer was man, then you are wrong. When God was creating this person, he made this person someone who would be able to get pregnant, would have children, would breastfeed them and raise them as a family. This person was born a beautiful woman.

This is Chaz Bono, the daughter of Cher, the singer of the hit single "Do You Believe?". Cher was in the 2011 movie 'Burlesque' with Christina Aguilera in case you do not know who she is, she played the owner of the club where they all performed in the movie.

Chaz Bono was born Chastity Bono in 1969 and after coming out to her mother that she was a lesbian, she later decided as an adult to transform herself into a man because of reasons only best known to her. Chaz underwent surgery to become a man, her breasts were cut off, she was given hormone shots to grow beards and she changed her name legally and socially from Chastity to Chaz but she did not alter her female organs. Why will you enter a world as one gender and leave it as another gender?

There are so many people i know out there who hate themselves because of the way they look, but everybody looks the way they do for a good reason. People complain everytime "i wish i was taller", "if only my nose was not so flat", if only i had straight legs",  "i wish i had asian eyes", "i would love myself more if my ass was bigger"!

God's creations are never imperfect, he knows what he is doing everytime he is molding a human being but because the humans come to the world where everything has been altered, we do not see ourselves as visions of perfection anymore. The day you become taller could be the day you die, if you had a long nose maybe you will have asthma too, if your ass were bigger maybe it would affect your leg, we do not ever think of these things.

I remember when i was much younger, i would pray to God to make me taller like most of my friends, i realised later that i wanted this quality so i could feel superior. It wasnt until i focused more on my other qualities that i eventually stood out without any effort whatsoever.

Someone once told me that if I were taller, I would be vain, inconsiderate, dumb, cruel, reckless, rude, albeit successful but i would hate myself even when others envied me. It was later I found out myself that if I was taller, I would have become a model because I like dressing up, all those awards I received from various institutions for academic distinction would never have come my way. I would never have known for a model, beauty fades but as an intelligent person, your knowledge is forever nourished as knowledge never dies.

There are so many people that are far away from being the person they were created to be because of their focus on the wrong qualities. I know so many fair-skinned ladies who are high class prostitutes because they chose to revel in the attention of men rather than swot for exams to bag a respectable job in the future. They think because men are usually attracted to fair-skinned ladies, it is their excuse to live life as goddesses, doing what they like and getting everything they want. I know so many beautiful girls who didnt do the needful things at the right time, claiming models, class, flashy lifestyles while they youthfulness eroded away.

When you love yourself, you would find out those qualities about yourself that makes you satisfied with everything you have, those qualities will make you content because it is when you accommodate envy in your life that you begin to hate yourself. No matter how jealous or envious you are of someone else, you will never have what they have if it is not meant to be, you will only end up hating yourself for never getting them.

Chaz Bono became a man because she obviously didnt like herself very much. She was a lesbian who had a girlfriend and supposedly she was the masculine presence in the relationship. It is important to note that some few weeks after the transgender operation, Chaz's girlfriend of many years broke up with her/him, excuse me. When you alter one thing about yourself, it could be that single thing you altered that endears everybody to you, that single thing that brings you favour among people, that single thing that sets you apart from the crowd and makes you a special being.

Do not allow common human flaws such as jealousy, envy, hatred, covetousness, greed and other unnecessary emotions be the definition of your life and your person. If you hate anything about yourself, begin to love that one single thing about you, turn your curse into a blessing. Concentrate on what people admire about you and more importantly that which you admire about yourself the most.

As Chastity Bono --- A beautiful Woman

DATING THE MARRIED

Any lady who is involved with a married man is always seen as an indecent person, a lowlife, a home wrecker and other unpleasant brands. I always ask who the real culprit is in the liaison, is it the single ladies who enjoy the attention and accompanying monetary gifts from the promiscuous men or is it the married men who are going through middle-age crisis?. In the course of my work, I have had numerous unsavoury and definitely forgettable experiences with older men who have been married for decades and more but yet still look for something extra outside of their matrimonial homes. Sometimes, it can be very infuriating because some of them are not exactly attractive because of their old age and a misspent lifestyle as they confuse their present days with their heydays.

There was once a time when it was generally seen that only men are prone to cheat on their wives but these days, wives do cheat on their husbands as well. It seems that as we evolve as human beings, our moral fibre becomes weakened as we continue to imbibe degenerate side of the western culture. Now, married people go into the institution of marriage only to spend a few months wishing they are single again, mostly for selfish reasons. To sate these selfish wants, married people begin to look for single people, thereby undermining the sanctity of marriage. From my perspective, i can only write from my experiences with men, the day a married woman walks up to me and says or do anything amoral, this blog will give you all the lurid details.

There are different kinds of "single-married" relationships. There are some men who act as if they are still very young even though they have already started a family. They act like they are your actual boyfriends and woe betides you when they see you with your real boyfriend or any of your guy friends. This is because most people don’t understand the ideals surrounding a perfect marital life and most young men dabble into marriages prematurely, then after some few months, they become bored. Most men go into marriages because they feel it is a natural obligation or their parents coerced them into finding a wife, or their friends are already married so they feel the impending pressure to join the club. They find someone they think they can spend forever with, they do not wait to find out if they are truly compatible or just convenient but they go ahead with a wedding and keep the lady at home to bear the title of Mrs. Wife. Some few months later, they are already out searching again, this time not for a life partner but for someone who would give them ephemeral pleasure thereby causing void in their matrimonial homes.

I hobnob with a lot of men and women, as I happen to be a good listener, I have learnt of the cruel and unusual dynamics of various relationships. Young ladies readily bask in the euphoria of accepting material gifts that comes along with dating a married man and the married men also know that this is a serious requirement to get the ladies’ attention. Some ladies even dump their current boyfriends to focus on the well-to-do married men, which is a grave mistake because with the boyfriend, there is a likely hope for the future but a married man will never leave his wife for miserable needy young girls. When the married men are still around, boyfriends who earn merger salaries are taken for granted and no matter what they do, they are always considered a poor pest at the time.

Some ladies who are in relationships with married men often fall in love with them and this is outrightly stupid because no matter what sweet nonsense the man tells you, he will never leave his wife for silly you, he will always consider you as second-best, he is only with you for the sex and when he is done with you, he will toss you like a used tampon. Some single-married relationships can be awesome because as sad as it is, you may find your soul mate in a man who already has a family, oh yes, it happens. He will understand you in a way nobody else does, cater to you in such wholesome ways, give you overwhelming attention and other things, that you become so used to his presence in your life. Despite this fact, I am yet to be a witness to a successful relationship that came about from a man cheating on his wife, leaving his wife and getting married again to the single lady he's involved with. The saying that “what goes around comes around” is the gospel truth. If that married man eventually leaves his wife for you, when you think you are happily married to him, he will find another younger woman, prettier and smarter than you because when that man chose you over his wife, it only shows that he's a greedy bastard. In case you have not noticed, there are so many ladies in different shapes, colours, sizes, heights and every other dimension, they are just there for the men to take their pick as long as there is mutual benefit.

All my girlfriends have been involved with married men, i do not know a single woman who has not been bugged by a married man either in her neighbourhood, at work, or on the road. It’s like there is no escaping it as this men are everywhere. Even those ladies who say they cannot be in any kind of romance with married men still accommodate their advances once in a while just to get the monetary gains that present themselves. When my girlfriends come to stay with me, we take a stroll in the night and count how many cars that stops by the curbside for us asking if they can drop us anywhere. We do this for the fun of it and trust me it is quite enlightening especially when we have nothing to do, these men are like scavengers. The first thing we notice when their cars stop is the glint of their wedding rings, their paunch and other tell-tale signs. Some wise married men have resolved to discard their rings so that their operations can go on smoothly.

I have also come in cognisance of the case of married women who find themselves in romantic liaisons with married men. Now, this is the lowest of the lowest stooping order because the adultery is two ways and so demoralising. How do these people get home to face their spouses after sexual sessions in the motel or hotel? What about their consciences? The truth is that nothing remotely good comes out of this kind of trysts but only heartbreaks, serious consequences, diseases, infections, unwanted pregnancy, abortion and a host of other things that brings us closer to hell. The days when ladies are considered as the more faithful ones are long dead, in fact, they now trigger most forms of infidelity. Most women are fond of finding solace in the arms of other men when their husbands are not attentive without considering the aftermath of such indulgence. There are cases of married women who have been unfaithful, getting pregnant in the process and facing the dilemma of who the real father of their baby is. Why in the world should these things happen? When the husband finds out that the child is not his, that woman has sentenced her child to eternal punishment because no one will fully accept that child.


The single ladies who get knocked up by married men have no option but to recourse to evacuation as the excruciating process of abortion is now made so simple and short like intercourse itself. The married men will never allow you to keep the baby because they do not want to lose their wives who stood by them through thick and thin. The single ladies as well do not have the financial means to support a child with no father because trust me, there will be no child support. No married man wants extra wahala because the reason they were with you in the first place is because they are running away from responsibilities. These hitched men have names for everything they are looking for outside marriage. They refer to the ladies as releases, outlets, a means and the common name we all know, the other woman. Some married men even lay down rules like "you cannot call me at this hour because I’ll be at home", "we cannot be seen together in these areas", "you cannot come to my office at this particular time", "you cannot talk to your friends about me" and most ladies tend to conform because of the attachment they have developed. I don’t know how some ladies live with the fact that they will always come second in the relationships they are involved in, there's a man out there for every woman. If one man has already taken a vow with another woman, go and look for your own man.
99.9% of married men cheat and marriage is no longer upheld as a holy institution. In fact, cheating is not considered as appalling any longer because when the wives find out, you know what they say? "I don’t care as long as he always comes back to me". Jesus! Anyway, I will end this piece by admonishing anyone in a passionate affair with a married man, it will not bring good tidings. I’m very sure there are so many single guys out there who can cater to your needs and be there for you 24/7 and give you all the loving and sexing you need. Though they are usually irresponsible, do not blame them, responsibility is almost a talent these days but unlike dating married men, dating single guys hurts no one.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBODY, MAY THIS YEAR BE BETTER THAN THE FORMER, MAY ALL OUR DREAMS COME TRUE THIS YEAR AND MAY THE EYES OF THE EVIL ONES BE BLIND BEFORE THEY CAN SEE US IN JESUS NAME. AMEN!!!

MY OFFICE, YOUR OFFICE, OUR OFFICES (IF YOU WORK, YOU MUST READ THIS)

We have all worked in places where we initially thought we could have everything we ever wanted from the pay to the accompany benefits, only to start work and realize that we may as well sign a deal with the devil. The organization wants all our time, effort, sweat, talent and life!  If they have the power to do it, they would not allow you to get married or even have a romantic relationship as they see your love life as a threat to your productivity in the organization. They allow limited number of days as leave from work and no matter how much you plead for more time off work, the slave drivers, they just do not budge.

What is most painful is that most high-paying jobs claim the best part of our lives but still we continue to strive to become a member of the corporate giants in the country because of the hopes of being a part of the elites and the expectation of a better system of living. When we have jobs that do not pay well, we begin to send messages to or call friends or seek the presence of M.Ds, G.Ms or Human Resources Manager in the big companies to consider us for a position because we believe through their help, we will reach the pinnacle of our careers. The grass will always look greener in other corporate offices than it does in our present work place.

People whine and whine “Oh, I wish I was working in Chevron”, “Oh, if only they would employ me in Accenture”, “I would give anything to work in Shell” but when they get there, there’s always something to complain about. It may not be the hours, it may not be the location, it may not be the lack of staff welfare, it may not be the dress code, it may not even be the boss’s Machiavellian stance but there’s always something to grouse about, for instance, your work mates.

It is important to know that it is not just our neighbours, the guy overtaking us in bumper-to-bumper traffic, the trader enjoying monopoly or the police who are naturally belligerent, our colleagues at work as well are most times embodiments of serious wahala, psychological problems and character flaws. This is why I have compiled various adjectives for the different kind of people we are forced to work with but whose actions in the business environment always affect our own disposition and outlook towards life. The people we work with at work include some of the following:

THE DEBAUCHED: Unfortunately, this category is mostly undertaken by women although our men are also catching on fast these days as these people are those who do not mind stooping to whatever low moral acts to get what they want. They would sleep with the boss to make their lives more comfortable within and without the office while making every other person’s life miserable. They do not mind sleeping their way into anything or anywhere, they are desperadoes who call themselves go-getters (total denial and how insulting). You dare not talk to, talk at or look at them or cross their paths in such a way that they take up your case because they would ruin you, remember they are not like you, their conscience is dead.

THE FAKE ALMIGHTY: The ones who are regular staffs like others in the company but believe they are better than everybody else in that office. They believe they are due for promotion and if anyone in the company deserves a higher office, it is them or no one else. They are deluded and believe that they should be working in a better place and not in their current post if not for a mishap or something that happened eons ago. They look down on everyone, everything and the company that pays for their survival.

THE ROLLING STONE: These are the colleagues that keep searching for vacancies in other companies and will inform others about opportunities and benefits that are available on the other side. It may be a ploy to get rid of those who are in their way in their present office or on the other hand to help secure a seemingly better life. But as the saying goes, “a rolling stone gathers no moss”.

THE MISERLY: Do not ask them for money or any financial assistance because you will not get it, not even if you need the money to buy the drugs that you need to ingest for surviving another day. Whenever there is need for everyone to pool money together maybe for a celebration in the office, getting money from these ones is a major undertaking. They will never part with their hard-earned money even for a good cause but they can take from others and add to what they already have.

THE SUCK-UP: These are those that would literarily kiss the boss’s ass or any other ass in the office for that matter as long as that ass has got something to give to them. They would descend to a new low just to please the boss or an important colleague, doing so at the expense of another colleague or to spite others. They could also be hardworking as they are more than eager to please the boss so they carry people’s workload just to look like the diligent ones and get the promotion or a raise.

THE GREEN-EYED: The ones that are always jealous of whatever achievement, result, upgrade or any other progress others make. They would look for a way to downplay whatever feat one has achieved so they can feel better about their own failures or lack of accomplishments in life.

THE FIXTURE: These are the ones that you met in the office when you were employed and are probably going to still work there when you are planning to leave after seven years. They have found a comfort zone and not even a bulldozer can get them out of that niche. Their work has become their private shell from which they find solace from the hardship of life or their work is now an escape from the awful reality that they can never function elsewhere. Some fixtures can really be annoying because they believe since they have spent more years in the office, they deserve special treatment, they know best or can tell you what you ought to do usually in a disdainful manner. What these fixtures do not know is that if they put their years of experience in their CV and send it out to other companies, they would earn a higher pay and be given due respect. But they choose to stay in one company forever because they believe they are Kings and Queens of their domain. Actually, they are scared of other business environment because they may not be able to keep up.

THE INCOMPETENT FAVOURITE: These are those who do virtually nothing in the office. They stroll around in designer suits, designer fragrances, always presenting impeccable appearances but they do exactly zero or contribute nothing to the organization, yet, they are the company’s favourite as they are given more benefits, opportunities, better working conditions and other perks of the job. Do not even bother trying to find out why it is so, it usually stems from the person’s personality, relations or other sentimental reasons. Funny thing is they have a special gift and it is making others who are usually more hardworking than them look exactly like them: incompetent.

THE SNEAKY GOSSIP: Stay away from them, do not even try to give them a chance by trusting them one bit. They are everybody’s friends, yet they are loners and the way they survive life is by causing rifts between friends or colleagues. They are everybody’s friends because they want to know more about everybody so they can divulge whatever information they get from one person (usually personal) to the other friends.  Whenever you want to complain about someone else, they would give you a listening ear but as soon as you have forgotten all you said, they add some spices to your words and pass it on to the person you were talking about. If you have always wondered how something you tried so hard to keep a secret suddenly became everyone’s news of the day, I’m pretty sure, the sneaky gossip knows the answer.

THE MOTHERLY: They are usually the oldest in the office but because some old colleagues are really annoying, I would say the motherly colleagues are the wisest. This is because as for the old ones, you must not take anything first until they do, you have to reconstruct your language before you talk to them, if not, you will find yourself in a cleft stick for talking to them rudely and reminding them that even though they finished school while you were still in Kindergarten, you are now in the same office as they are. Motherly people can be good though, these are the ones who care for everyone, they are the approachable ones that offer you good advice especially from experiences and they are the ones who relate with everyone convivially irrespective of age.

THE PEEVISH: You can never predict what mood they will assume each day because you may be seriously wrong and will face the consequences. They are usually quarrelsome and always have something to complain about or would find a reason to find fault with everything. They would bring the anger from home to work and God help the first person that talks to them. The solution for these kind of people is to ignore them, that’s their cure, it is a momentary madness and acting like you cannot see them will bring them back to sanity.

THE FRIEND: Very very very rare. When you meet them on the staircase, in the cafeteria, at the doorstep, by their desk, outside the workplace, they are always smiling and trying to infect you with their smiles. They are the ones that walk into a room during a party and everyone says “yay!”because they brighten up the place. They are the ones who asks “what about Tony?” when Tony is absent from work and then try to make everyone sign a get-well-soon card for Tony because Tony is not feeling fine. They are the ones who call you and tell you about changes or developments at work so you do not get into trouble from not knowing. They are the ones who can raise you with some money when you are seriously broke. They are the ones who can care for you by coming closer to you even though you have some contagious disease. As I said, very rare.

So which are you or which ones are in your office? We are all one of these personalities, please do not ask me my own o, I asked first……..Your comments will console my aching fingers from typing and editing for too long. Thanks!